Un Hombre Podrido[An Addled Man]

I was just reminded of this.

2012-02-16T02:06:00.000+07:00

The Three Musketeers

All my life, I've been very close with those two lads in the picture above. They're my cousins. Get this, the one on the far left (Azzan) is the elder brother to the one on the far right (Azzri). To tell you our story, we go way back. Back to those days where we were still little toddlers (at least I remember since then). I'm sorry but this is the only picture I can get to depict how close we were and the things that we did. So I'm sorry for the lack of visual representations.

Even our parents are close with each other. They sure did a hella lot of things together - crazy ones too mind you. So it is of no surprise that they bought a house at the same time at the same place, the same street, side by side. So as kids, you would imagine how we'd be like when we see familiar faces around. Hell, we could even play with kids we barely know when we were young! (I wonder why we can't do those things now. Childhood was a blast.)

Back then, we used to think we were the awesomest kids in town. You see our way of playing outside in the evening was us wearing 2 layers of torso - one being a tucked in t-shirt and the other a buttoned shirt. Weird right? Wait till you hear what made our day every evening. We used to climb on the walls of our house, and jump down with the buttoned shirt unbuttoned and let out. So we would look like we were 'flying' with the shirt being the cape. Like Superman. Yeah. Ridiculous right? How did we even think that was fun?

Then there was this time where the neighbour's daughter ALWAYS ask us to play 'Masak-masak'. In Malaysia, my generation's (and previous ones') female children liked to play this 'situational' game as mentioned earlier. The name literally means 'Cooking'. Wherefore it actually is an imaginary cooking/marriage game. Yeah. None of us liked that game. The boys hated it. Back then there was no 'lembut' kids. So we all hated it naturally. I hated it most because the girl (I forgot her name! It's just been too long!) would always be the mother, I would always be told to be the father. And my two cousins would always be the sons. We would always just agree to play with her until she's satisfied and then we'd go right back to the Superman game. :p

I should try to find this girl though. Who knows she turned out to be beautiful. We could share our old memories and stuff. But 'what ifs' right? They're always so wonderful.

After a while, we used to ride bicycles around the place at noon. Yeah. Because kids back then didn't have no internet and computers and iPad and Playstation etc. When we're bored, we move around, do things outside the house. Even when it's scorching hot outside. Kids these days are so unlucky. They don't know anything about being a kid. They lost that essence of a kid. There was this one time where we saw one remote controlled plane flying above our houses - thus decided to grab our bikes and follow it around. It then landed on the field near our house and there was this rich Chinese kid playing it. We went near. Looked in amazement. We didn't know that kind of thing exists. The best toy we had then was a remote controlled car, and even that was hard to get. Kids these days know little about not getting what they want and the harshness of this world.

When we grew a bit older, we used to go the field in the afternoon onwards until sunset to slide down the small slopes of the ledge or whatever it is next to the field. Damn I should really have taken a picture of that place to give you guys a better visuals of that place. But anyway, we went there not to play football. We went there (with our 2 layered or maybe more shorts/pants + inner-wears) and slide down the slopes. There was rocks as well hence the double or triple layered clothes. To protect our derrière.

After all those years. Now as I just realized today, I'm spending my days with those two again. The Three Musketeers are back together now daily. I couldn't have asked for a better company each day. It shows that after all this years, after 5 years spell in Thailand, after more than a decade, we only get closer and this becomes more precious and priceless now. We would spend each afternoon playing FIFA12 or just having a laugh together then when it's 5pm, we'd get ready for football. This is the life. Right now I don't think I need love. Because I'm getting all the love I need right now. I've got a great family, the other two musketeers, games and football. However I should maybe try for love when I get the chance. But really, I have it all now.

When you read this post, were you reminded of your past, your childhood? Were you reminded of who's precious to you? It really should.

Ciao.

Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman.

Deep in my Heart.

2012-01-07T02:42:00.001+07:00

A short update. It's been a while hasn't it? My life's been on a weird ride down the tunnel. To sum it up, I really need a serious makeover on my thoughts on studies. I'm doing okay though. I'm pretty sure I can pull this off this time. If only life was like this from the start. But I've been happy. The other day I had lunch with her. Treated her to lunch. I had only one motive for the lunch - for us to be more comfortable around each other. Ehh,it's still a work in progress but progress are being made. But by now, believe it or not, deep down in my heart, I'd like to have a stable relationship. One that would last. As long as possible. Yeah it's a pretty hard thing to do. It might as well be a one sided thing. But I'd really love to get with her. Because right now I think I'm already in too deep. I mean, if I am to be rejected by her, I'd have no problem moving forward, but she'd still be the one I dearly care for. Get what I mean? The thing is, would she want to have me as her boyfriend? Heh. Wish I know. But the good thing is she's done with school now. I've been waiting for this moment for quite a while now. :pI'm wishing her a great future up ahead but I'd love to be part of that future. Oh yeah. I'm turning 20 this October. Whoah whoah whoah. Say what? No longer a teen soon. :(

No Monkey Business.

2011-10-30T23:55:00.000+07:00

My holidays were over 2 weeks ago. But I didn't go to classes for the next two weeks after my last day of holiday. I've been hating PTPTN for quite a while now because of their pesky system, queries and efficiency. However, this time around, the same shit happened twice. I entered the wrong account number on my application for PTPTN. So, while my application was accepted like everyone else, they've got the money and paid their tuition fees whereas my money wasn't given to me. I was curious one day since I got a text from MMU Finance Division (the only thing they're efficient at is ripping money off students) reminding me that I have overdue fees of about RM4k+. One day I decided to check what is up. I was fucking angry at my level of stupidity which surpasses the meaning of dumb idiot piece of shit like it was worthless of being used to mock people's stupidity. It was that bad. I have entered the wrong fucking account number twice. TWICE damn it! I'm still angry at myself now that I'm remembering it and writing about it now. This incident happened about 2 weeks ago, mind you.

MMU have this policy of divided payments. You must pay 40% of your total fees before final exams if you want to be able to access the 'Exam Slip' page which you must print out and bring to the exam hall if you want to take your exams. Then there were other things. I forgot the exact value but I think to check your results, you need to pay another 40% and 10% for registering for new subjects I think. The other 10% are just plain fees. Or something. My dad's having some financial difficulties right now since earlier this year so I tried not to ask him for money. During Foundation when he was more financially stable, I used my allowance money wisely and saved up about half of the year's spending in my bank account, so that when he asks if I have any money for the week, even though I don't have any, I'm able to say "yes, I do have money." because I do have money saved. People ask him for money too often of the time and I don't want to be like that. He did too much for me and I know I can't repay him but I can still reduce his sufferings. That's why when I get into accidents (which I've been in for about 4 times) I don't really mention it to him unless it needs immediate repair.

But that money is depleting. I need to save up more. It's almost impossible to do that while living in Cyberia. Electric and water bills alone are high enough to cancel my whole savings. Not to mention the daily budget needed for eating. Hence, I planned to apply for a leave of absence (LOA) for this semester to save up some money by doing some part time job or full time job for a few months. That way I won't need his money as much. That way I can use my own money and plan my own budget.

But my dad won't let me.

15 more days for SPM? Good luck! Come to me if you're feeling down. Like how I came to you when I felt down.

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Estupido.

2011-10-15T03:38:00.001+07:00

Sometimes I feel crazy. I feel like letting some of it go. This does not happen frequently, mind that. A few moments ago, at 1.30 am roughly, I felt like recording my brother and myself being silly in front of camera while singing a song. We did a few songs. It was fun. Until it gets to about 2.30 am. We were both very sleepy by then. My brother then went straight to bed keeping in mind that tomorrow (or rather in a few hours' time) is his third day of final examinations. He didn't study much. I don't see him study at all, really. Arabic and Geography tomorrow. I'm gonna keep an eye on his results for the two subjects. Just so I can say; "told you to study.". Yeah. I'm cool like that.

Oh yeah. I finally got to play football today. I just went and joined in the match. Now my knee hurts. It's not a major hurt, but it feels like something's off. I dunno. I should get it checked up. Maybe because I didn't warm up properly?

This is just a short and fun post. Just to cheer myself up, really. I hope it'll be able to make you guys smile or laugh too. If you do, pleased to have been able to brighten up your day. :)

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

La Verdad Fea.

2011-10-09T03:08:00.000+07:00

I've finished my first semester for degree (finally) and I'm currently on a short 2 weeks break from studies. It's been a week, really. I started my holiday after my last paper on Friday 30th September at around 4.30pm. So it's been a week and roughly 2 days. That is easily approximately 216 hours which is equal to about 12960 minutes. 95% of those I spent at home. In fact, about 99% of those time you can see me around my housing area. I'd love to say: "A lot have happened in those 216 hours." but realistically and sadly, it's the exact opposite. I've been at home, watching one season of 'My Wife and Kids' and got disappointed by it badly that I didn't feel like watching the other 4 seasons. Watched a few OLD episodes of 'We Got Married' (a Korean reality show) but it's back to where I watched a long time ago so I don't really feel like watching a one hour per episode show twice in my life. So I kinda just stopped. Plus that show's been giving me the blues. I wish I can do some of the things that's in there. I'd be happy. Lastly, I've finished catching up to the latest Naruto anime. Man that is one hell of an anime. Watch it if you're not watching it. From the start, and be attached to it. It should be part of your life. The phrase "Get a Life" will apply to you until your deathbed (unintended pun there) unless you start watching it! I can't really play much games either. Haven't played any games at all, actually. Except for the old-school Snake on a Nokia. I'm not much of a gamer at all now. I've changed, I guess. It doesn't interest me as much now. If you're wondering where I am for the other 5% of the time, (not if you care much) I go to the Mosque during Maghrib all the way to Isya'. Went to eat dinner outside occasionally and skated around my house area for a few days on the evening. Oh and by the way, reading newspapers outside (on our patio) is part of the 5%.

Anyway, as much as I love staying at home, I don't really enjoy it if I've got no stable internet connection and things to do on the Internet. I don't really enjoy it if I have to do things against my will. I wanna just lay back and let time pass and later, regret it. That's how I'd like it.
But today, just as I was about to sleep, something slipped by in my head. It was about 2.35 AM. After spending my holidays at home for a great deal of time, I realized. I have friends only when I'm at MMU. It's not the first time. Almost every holidays of mine were spent like this. I'm not saying I don't like it. I don't mind spending time with family. But almost all the time I'd be home and my dad won't get home until night. My brother and sister won't be home during weekdays. My little brother won't be home until evening as well. None of my friends tried to contact me through phone. None at all. After that very last full stop, I tweeted about this post. They would only reply to my texts if I texted them first. But that is not 100% of the time.

Writing this post, it hurts.

But it's the fucked up truth.

I wonder if anyone's even going to read it. And if they do, I wonder if anyone's going to respond to it.

I guess I don't care much anymore.

Those were the tweets. In four different tweets. It hurts me that none of them wishes to know how I'm doing, or whether I'm free or not to hang out or whether I'm still alive or not. I deactivated my Facebook account. No one seems to notice. At all.

It was once flying with a flock of birds.

Have you ever heard of this phrase?

"You never know you love something until you lost it."

Well clearly none of my friends love me. They've lost me. That's for sure. Literally, and Facebookally. My childhood friends, those who I've been to school with, they've lost me for 5 years when I went to live in Thailand. They didn't mind. Nothing's changed in their lives during and after those 5 years. My friends in Thailand, we kept in contact for a few months - maybe a year after I left GIS. Now, it's pretty much the same. But I still miss them. I wish I'd have a large amount of free time to chat with them for hours and hours and catch up. I talked to Dea for a while a few months back. Though mostly I talk with Hee Suk. We've all grown, man. It's never the same. Anyway, that phrase I mentioned earlier, it may be true for me, but it's not true for everyone else in regards to how much I mean to them.

I don't think I'll ever me significant anytime soon in this life.

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Por Favor, Me Encanta Volver.

2011-09-22T21:42:00.000+07:00

Assalamualaikum to my Muslim readers and hello to my non-Muslim readers. I am still in my final week of exams. My next paper is on Tuesday and the final paper is on Friday. Wish me luck. All 3 papers that I've done so fare were Database (of which my coursework were just 6.6% when I was taking the exam) and Malaysian Studies (no matter this one, it's just a pass or fail subject) and Mathematical Techniques I (of which my estimated coursework is only about 18%). I need a minimum of 40% but to get a better passing mark I'd need 50%. I have no idea whether I can pass or not. Things have just been hard for me lately. I am pressured by everything now. But I keep a straight face in my daily lives, still making jokes and act like nothing is wrong. I advice others as well but if you know me well enough, me and advice does not get along well. I can give advice but I can't receive others' advices.

The idea for this blog post came after I was 'sparked' by reading her blog post. You should know who if you know me personally. She posted about how hard her Chemistry exam was and how she's "stu-Dying" for her next Chemistry paper. I felt like I should give her some advice or something. But I'm afraid she might think I'm being a busybody or something. So I came up with the idea of maybe posting it here instead where it will get to her if she reads this.

Anyway, about my Database paper, me and my group mate Aswad worked together for the assignment 2 and we submitted the report on the Friday before Hari Raya holiday but it was to no avail as our report was lost shortly after and when we came back on Thursday the 8th of September to present it. We were frustrated. I was afraid that failure for this subject is inevitable. But I worked hard for the exams anyhow. I tried my best. In the end I managed to answer all the questions and left the hall feeling quite confident. However, I just can't let things go this way. I can't accept a 0 for my assignment 2. So I emailed the lecturer and today (Wednesday 22nd of September), we went to see her and tried to argue our case. We were seriously hammered by counter attack points but at last, a human is still a human. My lecturer and tutor decided to give us a chance to get at max 50% for our assignment 2 which was a 20% work overall. So we could get a maximum of 10. We went to reprint the report (approx. 25 pages) and sent it into her office. A few hours after that we got a mark of 6.50. Alhamdulillah. At least chance to pass is a bit brighter now.

Ingat tak benda ni? :p

So good luck to you. :) I wish you all the best. Please bounce back to the old you. She was brighter, filled with smile and carefree. I'm always here by your side and please, don't be afraid to contact me. I'm always waiting for you to contact. Sekali sekala kan. Asyik Amir je contact dulu. Hahaha. And to all of you who's in your exam week or nearing your exam week and for those SPM candidates, good luck!

I'm waiting, still. I just don't wanna make a move. I'll wait till you're done with school. When things are more stable for you.

Anyway, I like your specs. Comel!

Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman.

Alegrías de Eid

2011-09-06T19:27:00.000+07:00

Hi all! It's been a while right? How fortunate are we to still be living this day? Alhamdulillah! Anyway, for all Muslims and all others who celebrate it as well, Happy Eid / Selamat Raya! I hereby wish to plead for forgiveness for all my wrong doings if I have made you mad at me be it directly or indirectly. I wish only for a peaceful life without enemies but as a human, I make mistakes - we make mistakes. So let's not continue making mistakes by forgiving others for their actions! Just know that by now, I have forgiven (actually I didn't really hold any grudges to anyone. Even if I had any, I would've forgotten about it by now) all of you! Oh yeah! For Malaysians, Happy 54th Independence! May we all unite as one and plaster all those cracks back in piece for what is important is not our race but rather under which country we stood by - and for us, it happened to be Malaysia! I'm glad to be back here. I have no plans to leave this country yet - not for studies or living but maybe for traveling and holidays.

SO! I have just came back to Cyberjaya (where I study) after possibly skipping one day of class. It's been a GREAT Raya this time around. Although I would've loved it if I could've stayed at my Kampung for longer. I literally spent the second Eid day in the car, on the way home. It took us an abhorrent 7 hours instead of the usual 4. However, I slept all the way. BLISS!

The highlight of my holiday would be when I was able to meet my family after so long. It was great for all us cousins to be able to hang out again. We get to taste the old Ramadhan month at Kampung fasting together. We used to do that as a child. We would spend the whole of Ramadhan at Kampung with our grandparents and CikNor and Paksu. Great memories they were. First thing we did was of course, hang out at the nearest food stall - Cheree. We talked crap all the time. Hahaha. It was fun.

The second highlight however, was the time when we opened our gates for our friends and families to come. :)

I didn't wanna do it at first. My sister wanted it. She told me to invite my friends along as well, coz she don't wanna be the only person inviting people over. I started inviting people. Less than 20. I invited only those whom I feel dear to, you might say. Only those who I am close with. Few couldn't make it. But it was just nice. The first wave of friends started coming at 2pm until 4pm. They were Dhaniah, Nabilah (a.k.a. Nani), Aimen, Azham, Safwan and his brother Razin. We had a good time catching up and joking around. Then Miera called. I invited her earlier along with her friends Biella and Nazlin. They said they'd come at around 4pm and so they did. When she called, in my head was like; "SHE is CALLING ME!" Yeah. She never called me before. Bit of a shock there. And joy. :p So yeah. They arrived and I went and hung out with them. Didn't talk much directly to her but I talked with her. Haha. It's hard man when both of us tried to talk to everyone except with each other. I was talking a lot with Biella. She talks a lot. It's fun hanging out with her. Miera talks more with Nazlin. Then they talked together about school. How can I join in that? Hahaha. But it was swell. She wanted a picture with me. SHE WANTED a PICTURE with ME! DUDE! That is like awesome! Haha. Yeah. I was happy. So happy. :p Then I sent them home. That ends my day. After sending them home I went to the mosque to perform the Asr prayers. I just felt like going to the mosque. The tranquility there always gets to me. I went back home and at fell asleep. I slept at 5 or 6 am the day before and woke up at 8.30 am then started working for the preparations. I was tired as hell. I was sleepy throughout the day, actually. So I slept and woke up at 3am until 11am. That was when I got back to sleep. :D

But I do love my open house now. It's like the only time when I can meet her.

That's all! Bye bye now!


Raya 2010 Open House From left: Edi, Miera, Me. :)

Me and Miera Raya 2011. :)

I hope things goes well from here on. :)

P/s: Good luck Miera, Biella and Nazlin for your trials and SPM! :)

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Creo Que Estoy Cayendo.

2011-08-18T00:37:00.001+07:00

There are reasons why I haven't updated anything on any of my blogs. My life is in ruins. It's heading towards a downward slump. Of course, with the teenagers of this generation, that is cliche. But really, I'm worried now. I'm worried about my future.

I am falling.

I have no one whom I feel comfortable telling these to, but I wanna let it out sometimes. I think I'll let some of it out here, and now.

I feel like right now, I don't want to keep on doing the things that I've been doing. I don't want to finish studying. I don't really want to study no more. Once, I complained to my dad saying foundation's hard. He said hang in there, after foundation's over, degree will provide more breathing space. That's why it's in 3 years. But hell no. Degree in MMU is basically foundation all over again, over the course of 3 years. I don't want to continue..
I've been very lazy. Very lazy. Sleeping very late at night, waking up very late in the evening. Doing my assignments few days before the due date, not going to classes. I've missed a whole 2 topics for Maths. I will die in vain. My studies will never get better if this continues. I know that. But I just can't seem to bother. I keep on playing and having fun with probably the most fun people I've met here; Bai, Kerol and Faaiz. Juey comes in too along with Amiza. They're a buncha fun people. But I've been playing too much. Spending too much money. Not studying at all.

Then there's always the girl problem. I'm not interested in that as much now. I'll do what I feel like doing at times, but I don't think I'll get anything. But, that doesn't matter much because if I don't start changing this shit life I'm in, I'm gonna be worse than a piece of shit. I'm gonna be disappointing everyone. Especially my father. I can't bear to imagine him being extremely disappointed in me.

Then there's the money problem. MMU fees are fucking crazy. This semester alone it's around RM5k. I haven't got PTPTN. Moreover, PTPTN will only be giving me around RM30k. Not counting the short semesters. They're only covering for the long semesters (if it's exactly RM5vk). I haven't paid. I don't know how to ask him for the money. Even my rental fees are unknown to him. I paid it with my own money, the money that he gave me and I saved it for my benefit.

This is the worse state I've ever been in.

I hope things will go well soon. I wish I will change. I wish my eyes will be opened soon. Aamin.

Archivos Adjuntos y Buscar Hey, Una Entrada de Blog por la Mañana!

2011-07-22T06:31:00.000+07:00

Honestly, this is the hardest blog post I've ever had. There was no reason to it. I just didn't feel like writing at the when time I was sitting down determined to post a new blog. I deleted the previous draft as it wasn't good enough in my opinion. Speaking about being not good enough, my life is not good enough now. I don't mean that in the emotional kinda way but rather, in the choices available and choices that I made. Get it?

The degree course I'm taking is supposedly one of the hardest and involves the most maths and physics. I am fucked up now. Those are the two nemesis of mine. I don't like them, that lot. First mistake.

Faculty of Creative Multimedia (FCM) turns out to be fun as I've learned from my friends. It's filled with courseworks and less theoretical stuff. I think I am a practical kinda guy rather than theoretical kinda guy. But if I want to change courses, I'd have to go through foundation again. A year of that, for the second time? No. Please. Second mistake.

The other mistakes are not so much a mistake but rather some complications in life for me. I don't know why I have to think about them but at least there's something to think about eh?

Have you ever grown attached to something? Like really attached to it? Honestly I felt like that when I started inline skating. But now not so much. I mean, yes I do like skating still but not as much and now I'm not as determined to be good at it. As long as I can skate, that will remain a hobby. I don't need to get serious with skating. Then came all the hurdles of a society because when man gets power and recognition, man wants to do more. My friend said he'll quit skating soon, after the classes are over. After seeing the new generation of skaters, I feel like quitting as well. Or I'll just quit the society, not the sport. I'd rather have no attachments for now.

I'm also getting tired of playing football. My team-mate once recently insulted me and my absence from the team's training and all that and for not being able to due to classes. Since then, I've not played in any games for the past 2 or 3 weeks.

When I start thinking about my love life, (I really shouldn't) I feel like it's time to have a relationship with someone now. Someone special and is a good Muslimah. But now I've a conflict. That's all I'm gonna tell you in this segment.

If you love antiques, would you still go for the new ones or would you stick with the antiques? - Random question. Answer me this please, if you can.

P/s: Sorry for the long absence.
P/s/s: I don't think I'll keep the Spanish titles after this. My Spanish have gotten weaker.
Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman.

Honesto Confesiones. Un Montón de Ellos.

2011-06-15T01:54:00.000+07:00

I hate being the odd one out. When you've made little friends in university after 1 year of studying there, you do not want to be alone in your first semester of degree. Plus, sometimes I just hate being the one walking alone behind a group of people whom I was hanging around with.

I'm jealous of a lot of people. I'm jealous of Aarief because he's smart beyond my knowledge. I'm jealous of Abu because as fat and random as he is, he can talk to girls just fine. I'm jealous of Marz because he's good at a lot of thing other than studying. I'm jealous of Amir because as lazy as he is, he knows a lotta shit about computers. I'm jealous of Nabeel because he's good with music and English. I'm jealous of Bai because he can just talk to anyone and be loud if he wants.

I feel out of place when hanging around with Juey and Inara especially with Ian's presence or with the absence of Faiz, Kerol or Bai. Or when their other FCM friends are along. I'm sorry but that does not mean I have problems with you or anything. I'm just saying this so that you know that I really want to just click with you guys. You guys are one of the coolest people I know in here.

I've never completed anything fully in my life. I've never really finished or mastering things that I learn. I played bass guitar. I liked it. I practiced a lot. Then I just lost interest when I see there are people who's real good at it and don't even have to practice much. I fear I'm going to do that for skating. Mainly due to the discomforts I'm feeling of not knowing anyone else there other than the FCM gang and my former lecturer. I'll just go skate at Subang Avenue alone or something. I'll think of something. I practice best when they're not around because I don't feel comfortable with thoughts about them laughing at me for even trying or something like that. Negative, I know.

Please. Just. Don't talk about this in front of me or to me. Let's just make this become 'just another blog post after a while' thing.

Ha Sido un Tiempo.

2011-04-01T18:40:00.002+07:00

Hi all. It's been a while.

So I have started my third and final semester for foundation studies and so far it's not going so great. The amount course works are abundant! It's like limit of x as it is approaching to infinity! (Sorry for the sudden geekness. Calculus mid term test was today, and I didn't study much for it.)

Some of the most interesting work is the dramatization of a short story. Yes, that is probably the most stressful one too. But the journey was one of excellence and joy, other than stressful and tiring. The drama shooting session took approximately a total of 4 days to finish with approximately 2 days of not sleeping time. At least for me and two of my other group mates who did a lot of job and put a lot of effort in it as compared to the rest. I don't wanna talk much about it, so I'll post the video along with this blog post! You'll find it at the end of the video. :)

Another new update. I have finally been able to join with a football club! YAY! I have officially played a real, 11-men per team football match in my life! I started off as a left winger, but since our club is short of defenders, I ended up playing my old position, the left back. :)

I'm quite the competent left back, says my manager. It is a good experience. I get to meet with bunch of new people. All of them are older than me. Haha. But they're cool. Not the bad guys but rather the bad-in-a-good-way kinda guys. Find out more about my team here.

(OMG they changed the banner again. This time I'm standing, third from the right. The other picture was better coz I was in the middle and sitting down. :p)

Yet another update. I have recently been SO and I mean, SO into inline skating - majorly Urban Freeride! I'm just waiting for the time to buy my own skates. The one I wanna buy (SEBA FR2) costs around RM 799 !!!!

I'm not sure if I should buy that one or the other one which costs RM590 (Seba FRX)... BUT DUDE! Check this video out! HOW COOL IS THAT!?!?!?!

Our dramatization of the short story titled "Lamb to the Slaughter" by Roald Dahl. Remember to click on CC for subtitles!

Tengo Tos.

2011-02-17T01:05:00.001+07:00

Hi.
Just so you know, I've been quite sick ever since I got back from my holiday at Port Dickson, Negeri Sembilan roughly about two weeks ago with my family. My mom suspects that it was the pool water that got me sick because not just me, quite a number of my family members and relatives fell sick too - especially the younger ones. I'm not fully recovered yet as I've still got the flu and I'm still coughing quite badly at times. So tonight is one of worse. I'm getting ready to go to sleep just now and I just can't because I'm pretty much suffocated by coughing. I cough so hard that my heart felt like it was going to come out the next time I cough. Hence, why I'm up and typing this blog post. I thought I've not posted anything for quite a while now and it might be a good idea to post but I don't think I'm going to post any of the drafts that I have saved in my phone - topics or sentences that is going to be the issue of the next blog post (if there is a next post).

I figured this post will plainly update you guys about what I've been thinking or what I have been doing and so on and so forth.

First of all, second semester ended. I'm currently in the second week of my third semester. Man third semester is a nuisance. The course works are lengthy and rather dull. Except for English's and Human Development's drama work. They are eccentric - especially for us IT students. However, I'm no good at directing so I can see this as a trouble because no one seem to be up to the challenge of leading the team. I'm not at all interested in doing so.

I miss the old days. Back in Thailand when I was still with Joo Hyun. She moved back to her hometown in Korea now but I still remember the things we used to do together. She opened my eyes.

Naww. Enough of that now. I just hope I get better and hope that I can do as well or better than my second semester for this final semester of foundation. I want to get a 3 pointer at least or maintain 3.29 or higher this time around!

Una Historia De Un Slugabed: Parte Dos.

2011-01-29T14:12:00.001+07:00

In every school around the world, be it a public school, a private school or even an international school, there will always be that one person who excels in everything and that one person who excels at one or two of everything. There would also be one kid who excels at nothing and one kid who sucks at everything. This, (along with almost all of the stories posted in this blog) is a story about that one kid who excels at nothing. That kid, is me.

Now, let's group all that 'thing' into four main groups. Studies, sports, video games and social.

Now, try and give me some names of the people you know who excels in all this. Surely there will be at least one.

Then I'd like you to try evaluating yourself. In which group do you belong? The all rounder, the lone achiever, the all not-rounder or the failure?

As for me, I'm in the all not-rounder group. Come to think of it, I'm not that good in my studies. Recent experiments had proven that. I got B's and C's for my finals for my first semester in university. I got 3 A's, and some number of B's and C's for my IGCSE (O Level) which is a standard result for a standard all not-rounder kid.

As for sports, I like football. I like high-jump. I like running short distances such as 50, 100 or 200 metres. However, I didn't say anything about winning or actually contributing much whenever I'm in a team and selected to do these kinds of sports. Football. I love it. My ambition was to be a ~~footballer~~, but seeing how I progress right now, at this age, it is already too late. :(
Me and football does not always get along. I love football but again, I'm an all not-rounder. I'm not real good. I can't shoot a killer fast ball, I can't do a nice 'swing' ball, I can't really cross nicely. I like to play as a wingback where crossing is essential for us but I can't really cross the ball. o_O
There's so much more to say but meh. This is embarassing enough to type.

My desktop wallpaper is cool by the way. Just sayin'. :p And I make it change every 3 minutes (nothing new for windows 7 users) and it plays cool sound effects whenever I log on and log off. :p

I always thought I was good in games. Truth is I'm not. Proven, also. LAN battles with friends in campus alone shows that I'm not very agile with my fingers and mind to react quickly in shooting games. Well, except for Star Wars Battlefront II. But that's only in the first few games though. Once my friends have got the hang of it, I pretty much jump from top to bottom and such.

Social. Damn why do I even bother writing this... My social life, it's got its high's and low's. But mostly it's stagnant. Stuck between high and low much like how 0.5 is stuck between 0 and 1.
I really want to have a great social life (minus all the negativity such as clubbing and all) but with my confidence? Fat chance. Seriously, FAT chance. Even Fat Joe is not as fat.

So there you go. Why I think I'm an all not-rounder. I know this won't work but try leave a comment on which group you think you belong in and why.

P/s: I have a piece that I think would be a great piece for ending this blog, but I'm not entirely sure when to post it. I mean, when is a good time to post the last blog piece ever?

P/s/s: I hope this story goes box-office. :p

¿El fin?

2011-01-15T22:31:00.001+07:00

¿El final?

I'm sorry all for the long delay in blog posts. I won't say that I did that because I was busy lately because mostly I just didn't feel like writing. I do not comprehend why although I do know that it's mostly because I am becoming too lazy.

Final exams are up. It's time to give more attention to that. I'll get back to you after I'm done with the finals, Bloggie.

During the times that I was away though, I have had some time thinking. Thinking about all the journeys that have been 'ended' in my life or rather, should have ended in some ways but I kept on holding on to it purely out of pure stubbornness.

I once set a goal to put an end to Facebook and Twitter due to excessive free time it eats up but now I have reactivated my Facebook, but thank God I'm not as addicted to it as I was before. Twitter will remain the same for now.

Once I sat down and thought about what is happening. I had vowed to not stop waiting for a girl. A girl so special to me. The girl I'm waiting for holds up my hopes for her indefinitely. I do understand though. I understand that she needs time and only time itself can heal her wounds. I also know that I could wait for her, but she and others who know about this tells me to find another one.

"I don't want to.

I can't.

I don't know how to."

However, I feel like it is the best way. I want her to continue with her life. Get great results for her finals and get into great universities either locally or internationally but I don't know what I should do.

Wait for her, it's just another year anyway. Or should I not wait for her, and try to find another one for me? Of course, that is not as easy as it sounds. I don't know how to do that, truthfully.

Pfft. I know that this is not much of deal but I think I need some kind of that special someone to tell stuff to. Right now I don't really have that someone. Not even a friend close enough to share everything with.

But then again, after all this time, I finally see it. Honestly, he was not worth one bit of your life.

Oh, by the way, just so you know, I'm also thinking about ending my blog life. This is all related, FYI.

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Unidad

2010-12-16T12:27:00.002+07:00

Unity.

How great a change can it give? Even if it brings only the smallest of change, it proves very hard to gain unity.
I was attending the Suzuki Cup Semi Final First Leg featuring Malaysia versus Vietnam at the Malaysian's national sports complex, Stadium Bukit Jalil. Now this kind of match don't happen all the time so it's pretty rare for us to be able to see this kind of football but that is mainly because our national squad weren't able to get anywhere until now.
The reason I say this is because I find it interesting how we are suddenly all drawn into one place, suddenly united and believing in the same thing, suddenly supporting the same thing for that 1 hour and 45 minutes of football and the duration before and after the match.
This match shows how fans greet each other as if they have known each other for long. It is fascinating.

You can truly see the happiness of our faces when our team scored a goal. We would jump and scream in exhilaration while smiling in happiness, adrenalines rush throughout your body, you high - five both people you know and don't.

I also noticed how when one person wants to buy a drink and apparently he sits too far behind, he can trust the person in front of him to pass the money to the seller and to give him the drink he ordered. This would never happen in real life.

But what I am wondering is that, do we have to do this kind of events more often in order to conquer peace and unity in this country?

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Pensamientos De Corrupciones, Parte Dos.

2010-12-03T17:33:00.001+07:00

Remember what I said before about thoughts? I have been thinking and was once asked about what language do I think in. I find this very interesting because dude, sometimes you don't realize that you're thinking in English, Malay, Chinese, or whatever language you can speak - right? It is as if we are not conscious the moment we're thinking and it is quite mesmerizing how the brain works behind our backs much like it is working in silent mode or in the background while we concentrate on something else. However, we may be the owner of the brain but we don't have full control of the brain. We don't have any way at all on how and what information goes into our brain. Such thoughts have been playing in my mind for quite a while and it is intriguing yet annoying at the same time.

I have realized however that ever since I was more fluent in English, I started to think in English and now it seems like I think in English most of the time and Malay became the minority. Even now I'm thinking in English but that is for a different reason though. That is because I am writing in English, so it is easier to think in English so I can type whatever I'm thinking of straight away without having to translate it into English. But that's besides the point. My point is that I really want to know how we are affected to think in one language. How do we get affected? Is it because of environment? Is it because of fluency? Or is it just because of preference? I know some people prefer to speak in English more than Malay (for Malaysians) because they are more fluent at it and the modern environment nowadays seem to be demanding English speakers more than Malay speakers. Maybe now they think that. They should know however, that if this continues, this mad demands for English speakers, Malaysia will eventually lose the originality of the Malay language (as if it can't get any more fake. I mean, we never had original alphabets even! Now we use English alphabets, before we used to use Arabic alphabets - Jawi. Where's Malaysian alphabets? Never gonna happen now. -__-').

I'm blabbering now. And since I made this draft then left it for a few days, I forgot about what I was writing and can't really be bothered to read back what I wrote. So I might as well start a new topic but with relations to the previous one. It was thoughts right? I could tell from the title. :p

I say thoughts are the root of all evil and corruptions, but now that I think about it deeper, it seems like opinions play a part too. If there are no opinions made, there wouldn't be misunderstandings. When there are no misunderstandings, there would be no arguments. If there are no arguments, there would be no fighting and ultimately, no war.
But then again, if there are no opinions being made, there would be no creativity. There would be no ideas and we would live in like a system, almost like a machine. Doing this and that at this time, without thinking it is stupid or whatever. Because no opinions can be made. Now that is very wrong and shitty to be honest.

So I take back the things that I have said about thoughts being the root of all evil. Because right now it seems like it brings both good and bad. But I'm not taking it back completely. I still think it is the root of all evil just, lesser.

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Sorpresa!

2010-11-17T03:34:00.000+07:00

Have you ever experienced waking up in hopes of doing something productive or, just rather in hopes of something nice would happen that day and in the end you end up doing nothing, possible stuck in your room in front of your computer and perhaps, playing game or for most of you (I would assume) facebooking? Well I had similar experience today. I stayed up late the night before because the morning classes were canceled for today and I only have class on two p.m. until four, and a one hour class after that. However, I found myself awoken by a phone call by my fellow Kazakstan classmate asking about the English assignment that we were supposed to do for today. I told him the details and he said thanks and all. Seems like he thought I am a real neat person or something. But in all truthfulness, I didn't do it myself. So I decided to try and do it and possibly finish it. It's just English contextual clues any way. I remember opening the file, reading the instructions and the first few lines of the text. The next thing I remember was the sight of my friends waking me up asking me about my class which was supposed to start in about half an hour. Yep. Got that right. Didn't do my assignment. But then I was quite happy by the news that English class was canceled! Yay!
So I stayed and played game. Waited until it's about 3.50 p.m. Started to rain at about 3.30 p.m. It was still raining at 3.50 p.m. so in the end, I kinda decided not to go to class. A few moments later, I decided to go home. Then I realized, why didn't I just go home from the start if I was gonna skip this class? So that was how I pretty much spent the day. Stuck in a traffic jam for a long time, got back and slept. >_<

Well then during the night time I was still playing games until one moment I decided to stop and go to sleep. I would guess it was around 3 a.m. that time and tomorrow, or rather, today, is Eid. Not the normal Eid, the Eid where people usually perform Hajj and stuff. Then, I had this bizarre, out-of-this-world urge to just, get this, clean. :D
I saw the cat drinking this water from the jar, therefore making it not edible. I threw the water down the drain. Then I saw some mugs around. Took them to the sink. Didn't wash it, but still taking it to the sink was the next best thing to do! :p Then, I saw the scattered pillows which I then picked up and CAREFULLY put back in place because, in my thoughts, it's Eid tomorrow so people would want their houses to look neat and clean and all shiny and stuff. After all that, I checked whether the door was locked or not and at 3 a.m., the door wasn't locked. I was apalled by this fact and went to grab the keys to lock the gates and on my way back in, I saw the super-unorganized shoes. And yes, you read my mind! (Hope you did,) Coz I effin' organized that too! Beat that suckas! And THEN, FINALLY, I turned off all the lights and fans that were literally vomitting bills one-cent higher each minute!
And here I am now, writing this. I don't know why this, because I have another few topics up my sleeves. But since this seems aproppriate at this time, (4.30 a.m., I don't know how it is aproppriate in ANY way,) but it feels like it. Or maybe I just don't feel like sleeping yet.

So I just wanna say Happy Eid / Selamat Raya to all. I may see some of you tomorrow at our friend's houses. Thanks in advance for inviting me (the two people so far). Oh by the way, forgot to tell you that I'm going to Kelantan on Thursday. By car. It's quite far with roughly 6 hour - drive from my place. But I'll make sure I get to sleep for at least half of the journey. :D I'll be back only on Sunday. But the week after is a holiday for one week.

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Te Echo De Menos, Supongo.

2010-11-14T00:29:00.000+07:00

Ushuaia. El Pueblo en el fin del mundo. The city at the end of the world. It is my dream to go there. Located on the southernmost part of Argentina and being the last city of the world in which, just a few while travel down south from there, you'll end up in Antarctica. I have always loved extraordinary places and things that are not 'consumed' by time. This place is the perfect combination of both. With great cold weather, cool antique trains and houses. It's almost like time was slowed down a hundred times slower over there than the rest of the world.
But then again, a dream is a dream. It will not become a reality if I do not pursue it. Even if I can grasp that dream within my own hands, I would not want to go there alone or as tourists. I wanna go there as travelers with my friends. Travelling with friends is never boring. It is, was, and always will be fun. So, one day if I say I want to travel, you guys can take me there, to Ushuaia.

"zzzz"

On another note, I have realized that I picked up a few new habits since I first started my university life. Some are very interesting. Things that I thought I wouldn't be able to do or would even think of doing before - I did it now. First off, It looks like I'm becoming lazier. And lazier. And lazier. But meh. I think I'm doing all right so far. I've been much worse than this. I would keep my dirty shirts in a bucket, and then wait for the week to end and take it back home to wash it at home instead of washing it myself (like I used to back in the first semester). But lately though, I take it back home and wash them myself. So I don't really cause a lotta trouble to my mom. Heheh. But since then, all I do at home is wasting time, playing games, watching movies. Basically, everything besides studying. I really need to start studying. Like for real dawg. Fo shizzle. (I have exactly NO idea whatsoever, on what that means. But it sounds cool.)

Ahh. The now-becoming-normal habit. I now appear shirtless during most of the time of my stay at either home, or hostel. The explanation for hostel is that it is hot here. And by taking off my shirt, it feels a little bit cooler. But then again, mosquitoes are around quite often too. It's like I'm always hosting a party for the mosquitoes. See? Just got bitten there. Any way, at home, I just seem to prefer not wearing a shirt. Hahaha. Maybe because I'm becoming used to it. I used to be shy and all to take my shirt off. But meh. Everyone seems to do it here. Plus, it saves the duration of how long you can wear your shirt for the week. :)

Also, I had a midterm exam last Thursday. And the next day on Friday, I had another one. But little did I know that on the same exact time and date of my exam on Thursday, there was this little acoustic concert featuring Yuna, an extraordinaringly attractive Malaysian singer (Today, November 14th is her birthday by the way. Happy Birthday Yuna!). Well so she came to MMU (my university) and performed. At first, I planned to go get dinner right after the exam and then back to study. But then, after the exam, I wanted to go to the toilet, on my way there, a friend of mine called and asked whether or not I wanna go see Yuna. I said: "Of course! Why not?" So, out of the blue, we all went in and got to see her concert. I really did not think that night would turn out this great. I even got her signature and stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Yuna! I mean, YUNA WEH! Gila hotstuff!

So, yeah. Here's some photo of proof. :)

Yuna's signature!

Well, I'm not much of a fan-person but I'm unusually overly excited over the fact that I got to see Yuna. The amazing thing is though, it's as if she's real easy for normal people like me to see. I mean, it's like she's not an artist. She interacts like normal people. That's the beauty of Yuna. She's not fake. She's real. I can just sense it by the few lines that we said to each other - and that is very few.

So in the end, the night turned out to be awesome. Not only did I made a new friend, I also made a new history for myself. I met Yuna. :D

That is all that I have to talk about according to my notes. So, thanks for reading!

P/s: I was told that you are happier now. I'm happy to hear that. Really. But why do I feel like you're trying to ignore me? Whatever it is, Alhamdulillah. You are at least happier now. I've prayed for this to happen. :)

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Explíqueme, por favor.

2010-11-08T18:27:00.000+07:00

Right at this moment I'm losing it all. I'm losing the will to look for tomorrow now. And to top it off, I'm starting to lose hope so early in the semester. Anyway, last week I went home on Thursday, which is early and I went back to hostel on Saturday night, again, early. I've just had it with the things going on at home. When I did something wrong, it's as if no one ever did anything wrong and as if everyone was just so fucking perfect. So I thought by going back to hostel earlier than normal would make it all better. It did, until just now. I think I may fail physics. That's the summary of everything. One last thing that I think I'm losing, is her interest. The way we interact nowadays seem to have been worse than before. We used to be so close. I don't know. Maybe something struck her and she won't talk about it with me. I'm not saying she have to talk to me about it, I'm just saying that sometimes I can feel like she would prefer not talking to me at all and when I get that feeling, I would always just say I need to do something else. Don't know what to do next. But I do know I would lose a lot if I lose her again.

I know that I am good enough as a person, I'm not a very good Muslim but I'm trying. I guess with my history, I'm not much of a good person to be with either. But the big question is, am I a good enough actor to hide all this, and live as if nothing is ever wrong with me? Am I good enough that I can hide all my feelings?
I wonder it too.

I just felt like expressing everything so, sorry if that thing up there seems to be a bit negative.

Anyway, referring to my room mate's blog, he described himself as being hard headed. Now to choose the same topic but to talk about myself, I would describe myself much like a kite. A kite would go anywhere the wind drives it to. With more wind speed, it would go faster to that direction. With a little wind speed, it would still go but at a much slower pace, as if unsure about whether the wind is able to carry it around. The reason I say this is because in most cases, (mostly in studies and emphasizing a lot on MATHS and PHYSICS) I would just listen and do what others tell me is right. Because I can't really lift off on my own. Just like a kite can't lift off without the kite holder running with efforts to lift the kite off the ground. I seem to be just like the kite. If there's any way that I can describe myself, I would say I'm like a kite. I wish I could say I'm more like the wind or the kite holder than the kite. I wish.

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Cumpleaños

2010-10-25T23:35:00.000+07:00

Apparently it is 12.02 A.M when I started writing this. On 26th of October 2010. With all the things that's happened today and the previous weeks, although not many were significant, I have totally forgot what day today is.

I was sitting on my red chair, comforted by the green bolster to support my back while gazing out the opened window and taking in the cool and quite breezy air because of the rain earlier in the evening. To describe today's weather, it was a pleasant weather with clouds covering the sky for most of the day and ends with a little rain during the evening which results in cool breeze during the night time. So there I was. Just about to embark on my little quest for the night, revising chapter 1 of economics and when that's done, watching the tutorial video for tomorrow's physics experiment. However, the moment I started to read the economics slide show, my phone rang. I was wondering who the hell would call me at this time? For some strange reason, I got quite a lot of phone calls today which was surprising and even though not a phone call that I would want, it's still quite a number of phone calls than my usual dosage. Back to the phone call, it was my best friend, Edzdiani who called at 11.58 P.M sharp. As soon as I answered the phone and put the phone on to my ears, she sang me the birthday song. I really didn't expect that (because I forgot about my birthday)! So now I'm quite happy. At least someone remembers. Little did I expect to receive another text message from someone whom I barely know and we have not contacted each other for roughly a year now. She texted me wishing me a happy birthday. That too, was unexpected. But I was and still am happy though. Even though they were the only two person to wish me a happy birthday, for some reason I feel like I want to cry the tears of happiness. Haha. I was touched, really.
The only two wishes so far, and I'm already happy. :)

*This post was written before any third wishes was made, so sorry for third wisher and so on! (if there are any more wishers) :p

Also happy birthday to Anushree, my fellow friend and ex classmate.
Syamira, my 15 years - old cousin.
Syukri, my 17 years - old cousin.

However, I am looking forward for a wish from this one person. That's it. I wonder how happy I would be if that happens.

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Un Cambio De Perspectiva De Un Hombre Podrido

2010-10-22T15:48:00.001+07:00

Why can't I imagine how my future would be like if I don't study?

People always say that if we don't study and get great results especially in university, our future would be practically ruined with job choices or even, the percentage of your job application to be approved may drop down to zero percent. Guess what? You'd be pretty much useless doing nothing in your life unless you are from a rich family with lots of acquaintances where you would still be able to work and get a handsome amount of salary.

"Why can't I be eager to study? Why can't I see what I'll miss out if I don't study? Why don't I keep on wasting my time? Why do I like doing nothing? Why can't I not be lazy? Why am I lazy? Why do I ask questions and regret about not doing anything productive, but not do something about it? Or have any feeling of guilt or regret?"

Well I have taken the initiatives here. I don't know if it's for the better or for the worse but I think it's the best for now. Through research, I have proven that I spend (or waste) a lot of time on social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter. It is believed that the more time I waste there, the less time I have to spend for other activities. So according to the economics theory that I have learned, if I spend less time on Facebook or Twitter, I would have more time to study and the like. But I can't just spend less time on Facebook and so on. I need to not open it at all. Therefore, I have made up my mind to deactivate my Facebook and Twitter account. Yes, I said deactivate. My reasons being that I spend too much time on it. I need some time to study and while studying, I need to not get distracted by waves of notifications or new tweets. My hands would feel itchy whenever I see new notifications or tweet and I would always have this urge to check it as soon as possible before it's too late. Until now, I don't know when is it too late but it's just a feeling as if you REALLY have to check it. So, now I am Facebook-less and Twitter-less. Just when I'm starting to like that egg. But am I lifeless too? Me and my room mate Aarief a.k.a Arip have talked about how our lives revolves around internet. It's kinda true though. It is on the internet (although when I say internet I mostly mean Facebook) that we are all noisy, happy, sad, express our feelings as we should be doing all of those in real life. Isn't it just sad to just talk to your friends on Facebook? Isn't it sad to just talk to the person you like only through these kinds of communications? Facebook? It's not even a FRIGGIN book! I must admit though, that was my life. Maybe not fully, but that was most of how my life was spent. Gosh. I feel like a loser now.

With that, I would expect my blog readers to drop like crazy. Since I can't really promote my blogs anywhere now. Ain't that right chaps? I guess you guys would just have to check my blog once in a while to see if I have new blog post. Damn. I don't want to stop using Blogspot but if you guys don't read my blogs any more, then what's the point of writing? I write to both express and for people to read.

I guess that's just how it is supposed to be huh? I can always reactivate my Facebook but if I do that, I'd lose to myself. I don't mind losing to others, but I would really hate myself if I lose to myself.
The only thing that's left to do now is to focus on my studies. Less play time now. With MMU's internet being a giant douche nowadays, I think more time can be spent on studies just like how I want it to. I could also do a lot more sports. I think that's the plus side of it. Although I barely talk about the minus side of which I am frequently reminded by my room mate. One of the most recent one is; "How are you going to promote your blog now? Since you kinda... Do that on Facebook before."
Then I would go; "Damn."

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Pensamientos De Corrupciones

2010-10-07T19:18:00.001+07:00

Thoughts. Think. The process of using your mind to consider something carefully in dictionary terms. But what are they really? Friend, or foe? Good, or bad? I personally think the process of thinking is a facility that you should utilize as long as you possess a brain. But how true is this? How often do we have to think? Or do we even have to think? If so, what should we really think about? Who should we think about? Why should we think about them? How do we think?

Just stop for a while and think about what thinking brings us. We were told to think about our future, think about our actions before we act it out. We were told that doing something without thinking is basically suicide. But does thinking really bring us success? Or does it really tear us down, bring us failures and separate us?

Things like racism. How did it occur? When did different colour skin become a problem to us humans? Well, ladies and gentlemen, we thought it is a problem. We think that it is a problem. Thinking, made it a problem. I never thought of it as a problem because I never even think about it. Why do we need to be racist? Why make skin colour a bigger problem than it actually is? It's just like PEBKAC. Problems Exist Between Keyboard And Chair. My point here is that the root of all problems, is us, humans. We perceive things negatively. Too negatively.

Looks, beauty and appearances. Why should we have things like 'Top 10 most beautiful women'? It's a pleasant thing to have but, it's not really a good thing. Once again, thinking made this happen. When we look at someone, we would always think whether that person is good looking or not. Now I'm not saying that I don't do this and act like a hypocrite, I do this too but not to an extent of mocking that person for how he/she was born to look like. I do that, but not too much.

Ranks. Commander, general, corporal, private, sir, madam, dato', datin. Why do we have to even bother? Thinking that they have higher reputation than other people makes some of them become arrogant. Bongkak. Why think of yourself as superior to others when we are all just mere human beings?

"The very essence of corruption, is thinking." - .Shazmeel Azeman

I am not here to make you believe in me. I am here to make you think. Oh, I love the irony.

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

Veinte Y Cuatro Horas De Desastre Y Los Descubrimientos De Auto

2010-09-18T03:26:00.000+07:00

Raya / Eid 2010

Each year for Muslims right after a month of fasting in Ramadhan, we celebrate a day of happiness and joy, a day that we usually gather all family members in the lead family's house and plead for forgiveness for what we've done throughout the year. My family have always gathered at my grandparent's house for this extra special day. We would all gather, cousins would meet up, share stories and laughter, we would do fun things together. It's always fun to be around your family who's been with you since you were born.
So, this year's theme colour was green for my family. Sadly, not all of my cousins came this year. They went to their other grandparent's house.

24-hours disaster.

What I want to share this time was my unique experience this Eid. In 17 years of my life, I have experienced something similar, but not quite the same. Never worse, if I may say. On the night before Eid, I suddenly caught a stomach ache. Quite a bad one at that. It didn't only hurt, it went on throughout Eid, and the night of Eid. It was indeed a 24-hours disaster...

Self Discovery.

During this Eid season, I have recently found out about myself and my interests. I can't believe that after 17 years. Seventeen years. I still don't really know about myself. But it is a good experience to be able to suddenly realize something about myself. I have learned something by myself. Without the help from Google. :p

I learned that I am attracted to girls who wear the Malaysian traditional dress, the 'Baju Kebaya'. I do not know why, but I like it. I also like girls who can cook. Girls who knows how to cook. I am no great cook, not much of a cook even, but if I were to marry a woman who can cook, I would love to learn from her and help around in the kitchen - honest.

I know I'm a lazy ass when it comes to chores, but I do know that I would like to learn those things. Cooking, baking, and cleaning. I would like to learn those. I would like to learn those with the person I love.

I am not an expert in religious matters, but I wish to learn and be better. I am learning to be a better Muslim, a better man, and a better person.

I guess I should stop here.

There are more things I wish to share, but not this time. I'll save it for later. Don't worry, I got it saved somewhere. I'll not forget about what I wanted to share. :)

Also, sorry for those who got a default Raya Text from me. Those people who got the same texts as the rest of my contacts. :p

Thanks for reading,

Selamat Raya,

Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

.Shazmeel 'Samad' Azeman

El Estado de Extrañeza

2010-08-17T14:00:00.001+07:00

Weirdness.
How do you define this word? How weird do one have to be to be classified as 'weird'? Weird meaning strikingly odd or unusual as stated in the dictionaries, induces different meanings to some people. Again, it's a case of perceptions. To me, I am weird.

Now I say this because I have certain things that I like to do which aren't really 'normal'. But then again, how do we define 'normal'? How normal do we have to be to be classified as 'normal'? It's all a game of perceptions and influence. This world, this life, this adventure is under the rule of perceptions and influences. We are all influenced to perceive something differently. For example, a Japanese might find an Australian attractive while other Japanese might find another Japanese is more attractive than an Australian. Why? Because they were influenced.
So back to where I was saying. I say I'm weird because as you can see, how I can write a whole 4-5 pages worth of essay or blog post in a matter of time and at the same time trying to make it have some meaning rather than just empty talks. Referring to my older blog posts, I am proud of what I produced. Some might not agree, but who cares? It's my life I'm living, I'm living it with how I was influenced to perceive things and voila! Along came my thoughts through my blogs. Whereas when I am with the person who I really want to talk to and never stop just in case they got boring if I stop talking, I can't talk as smoothly as I can write essays. Guy friends are easier. We can just talk whatever because guys don't really care. If you just meet someone new and talked to them for a few minutes, you could already be cracking jokes and laughing together. You could even make jokes about them! Whom you have just met. Interesting right? But right now I'm specifying on female friends. It's just harder. Female friends tend to notice a lot of things and have some dislikes. Moreover, when you really don't want to screw yourself up in front of them by saying things that they won't like - at all. Now this is what I don't like. I want to be able to talk normally. Without any awkwardness. I can do well talking with the same person over the internet, by texts and maybe by calling. But when I'm in front of them, that awkward feeling sometimes comes up and it's all busted. But then again, it's not totally my fault that I'm not that bright to come up with topics every 2 seconds. It's also their fault for seeming like they just want to get rid of me a.s.a.p. I don't know, my perceptions, I guess.

Whenever I meet someone I know, again, especially girls, I have trouble greeting them. I have trouble saying "Hi." Perhaps, it's more to the fact that I lack confidence, and this boosted the thoughts that that person might not see me saying hi or might have not heard me or might have heard me but chose to ignore me. Because I bet they saw me too when I see them. Instead, they try to lower their head or look away to signal me that they don't notice me. Of course, I know this because I do this myself. Speaking from personal experience here. :p

In fact, after I did that, I would regret doing that. Pretty weird don't you think?

So this is the state of weirdness. My weirdness.

Thanks to Izzati Izzy, Miera Mohar and Malina Azman for the inspiration for this blog post!

.Shazzy Azeman

Una Actualización Aburrida; Segunda Parte

2010-08-14T05:11:00.000+07:00

Another update would be boring. Another blog post about me and my opinion would be boring too. BUT WRITING A BLOG EARLY IN THE MORNING SOUNDS COOL AND 'ARTSY'!

That's what I thought of before I write this. I don't really want to write about anything, but I just feel like it's pretty cool to write something at this hour. If you're an avid reader of my blog, you'd probably notice the fading 'poetic' things that I used to love to write. I feel the same. You are not alone on this. I'm not sure where it all went but I just have no more ideas on things like that. I miss writing those kind of blogs. It's like an English essay. I want to write something that I and maybe most of you can relate to as well. So I came up with this idea. Why not ask you guys what you guys think I should write about? If it's a real cool suggestion, I'd be happy to spend my time and enjoy writing about it. We can give our opinions about things right? So, leave a comment about what a good topic would be. I'm in need of good topics. :P

Si Allah lo Quiere que Sea

2010-08-04T01:22:00.001+07:00

Love, being in a relationship, being with someone, having someone who can understand you fully, someone who can really relate to you and someone who you can always trust to tell them everything. I wish I have someone special who have all those.

This might be a real boring blog, consider this a spoiler and skip it if you feel like. Note: If you think you're the subject of this blog, I want to tell you that I've held up to my words that I promised you quite long ago about how to feel better in this blog and the reason why I wrote this blog, vaguely.

I'm single. I'm not in a relationship, I'm not with someone, I don't have someone who can understand me fully, I don't have someone who can really relate to me and someone who I can trust to tell them everything. I don't have someone special who have all those. Basically, I am the total opposite of the first paragraph.
It's funny though, because sometimes I enjoy being single. I enjoy the so-called 'freedom' that I have. Quoting from Aarief 'Abu Abu' Haafiz;

"I enjoy the freedom to flirt around sometimes." (Not exact)

I do accept that fact as one benefit of being single. I can list of oh-so many things about being single but I believe you've all felt it or are feeling it right this moment therefore I do not have to explain all.

It's kind of hard when you know you love someone and you think you know them really well and you know that that's the one person you want to be with but that person's feeling towards you could be anything. Especially if you're friends with that person and when you feel like being friends with them is actually better than nothing at all so you have to think twice, thrice in fact when thinking of being in a relationship with that person because you know friendship with that person is too much of a risk to take because you do not want to be nothing with that person when at the same time, you want that person to be your everything.
It's that exact situation I'm having. Actually, that is my situation.

Sometimes I really wish for a mind-reading ability. I wish I could read people's minds. That way, I can know what that person think of me. I really want to know that person's feelings. I want to understand that person's feelings so that I can prevent that person from being sad or think about sadness at least for the time when I'm around. Because the best cure for extreme sadness and heartbreak is by laughter, happiness and joy that you can be sure someone can always give you. Someone who understands you and wants you to be happy all the time if possible.

"Trying to be in a relationship with her is too much of a risk,

Finding other girls and even trying to get to this level of relationship with her is too much work,

and being single is too much of a challenge."

However day by day, as time passes, I am beginning to think if I'm really the one for her, if I should make the next move or savour this friendship.
But Insya Allah, if Allah wills it, things would work out between us.

.Shazmeel Azeman

Pena, la Culpa y el Asesoramiento

2010-08-01T02:12:00.000+07:00

Lately I've been wondering about things. I've been wondering what the hell am I doing? What do I really want to do with my life? What is important to me? Who is important to me? Who thinks I'm important to them? Who thinks I'm just an annoying prick? Who would love to have me around and who would love to have me gone?

However, I'm beginning to realize that I don't really have the answer for all that but I do know who and what is important to me.

I know real well that I have my family in my life. They're important. They've been supporting me in any way they can. They help me realize what's wrong and what's right. They help me 'see' the world better. Especially my mom. She helped me to literally 'see' the world. There's no telling how much my parents mean to me, and how much I appreciate what they've done for my benefit. My siblings also play a big part in my life. I don't know how lonely I would've been if not for them. I don't know why some people would say that they're not that close with their siblings. I really don't get how the fuck can someone say that they just happen to have the same parents as their siblings. What the fuck dude? That's like saying you're not families! No offence but I seriously think that's the wrong thing to say. Sure I'm a friend but I wish to have friends who at least love their family. Seriously. You even made me feel guilty of not telling her what you said. I feel guilty. Real guilty. But you're my friend and I don't want that to change. So I won't say anything about it after this. This is the only time. It's up to you to think about what you did and what you want to do in your life right? As a friend, I just wish to support my friends. If my friends don't think of me much as a friend as I do, I wouldn't mind. I can always live with my family. I can always live alone without friends. I know you guys are much closer with each other and have spent more time with each other than I have had the chance to hangout with you guys. It seems like now I'm just being in the way of the friendship you guys made all this years. It's okay. I've got my friends over in MMU now and I know my friends in Thailand would always love to hear from me, right?

Often I see girls after breaking up with their boyfriend saying that they don't trust guys any more and that they're not going to fall in love again. I understand totally but what I want to say to you is that not all guys are the same and not all guys are bad. You just happened to choose the wrong guy and loved him for too long with the thought that he loves you too which, may in fact be true. Guys who love their girl dearly knows how well their girl is like. They know when they should do what they don't want to do. They know when to let go and apparently, we never seem to think about how bad a girl is when they break up with their guy that easy and not regret doing that and play around with a lot of guys' feelings for their pleasure. But when guys do that, we all seem to notice all the thing that they do. I don't know, but for the good guys, it's hard for them to live if that's the world they have to live in. I don't know. But the whole reason is that I believe you just chose the wrong guy to be with you. Don't give up now and say you're a good-for-nothing girl because you're not. You're amazing. You are precious. I'm saying this because I know it's true. Not because I have a feeling for your. After all, we're friends, right? That's better than nothing for me. :)

.Shazmeel Azeman

Sentimientos Ocultos y Muchas Carcajadas

2010-07-16T01:28:00.000+07:00

Have you ever really wanted something and one day, you're finally able to make a first step towards that dream of yours only to know that in order to get there you need to come across all sorts of things that you thought you won't see again for the rest of your life? I have - and I'm currently in that very situation right now.

It's been months since I ended my life in Thailand. It's been a real journey from there. A new beginning with a new hope. My time here started slowly and calmly with nothing to look forward to each day and waking up only to wait for the time to sleep again. That is exactly how it was. Soon after it started to get a little interesting with friends decorating my days, families and games to accompany. Then it began to get a little more on the negative side when friends begin to depart to pursue their dreams through studying.

With the blink of an eye, I have signed up for Multimedia University June intake. I went through orientation - the best week of my life, I must say. I made a lot of new and crazy friends. I've gained a lot more confidence. I've gained experience - through happiness, sadness, hardship and friendship. I was nominated as one of the 16 supposedly best looking male freshies among 748 students of which 448 were male. Of course, I didn't make it through to top 5. A good experience though, but actually I was quite relieved of the fact that the top 5 had to show off their talents of which, I'm not so sure of what's my talent. In the end, turns out I'm already in week 6 with exams coming in less than two weeks.
I am pretty much... fucked up.

"I really am one inch away from the end - from failure. From giving up."

See that? That's my result for my maths quiz. As you can see, I spent 4 hours and 43 minutes doing just 9 questions. I didn't even get to finish all 15 questions. I can say that I don't think the 2.9 marks that I got weren't from my own brain. I'm out of ideas - I don't know how am I supposed to study, when I do not understand what I am studying? I am trying hard, really. But I dare say I'm not trying hard enough. InsyaAllah, I'll manage. I do not want to let my parents down. I heard that my father was really relieved and happy that I got into the university that I want and doing the course that I want and would be happy doing. I dare say that I think he's happy because I'm not giving him much trouble - I really don't want to give him any sort of trouble. I'm already making him think about money for my driving license class and tuition fees. I don't want to lose the trust that I had gained from him...

On other hand, Theatre at MMU club (T@MU) really got rid of my stress. The ice breaking session made me forget about shame, dignity and most importantly the stress that I'm suffering from.

"They saw the real me in just one night. Aren't they lucky?"

13th July 2010, 2000 hours.
T@MU Ice Breaking session.

I have made new friends during the short time spent there. Acting was never this fun. That night brought laughter to me and my fellow 'Kampung Boys' until this very second and I'm sure it'll still shine as time goes. If you want to know more about 'Kampung Boys', you can visit this page: Kampung Boys. There you might be able to know about the reason behind the officer's rank and their names. Mine is 'Samad'. =)

Well, this blog is messed up. It's meant for me to express how tensed I am in here. But I guess you got the point by now right? I'm trying my hardest. I'm trying to be better. One thing for sure though, I am having fun here at MMU. More fun than I could have ever imagined. This is all thanks to the wonderful friends I made here and all those unique and wide-ranged personalities I met here. The girls, the guys, and the cool lecturer.

Samad signing out. =)

Sin Título

2010-06-18T09:28:00.001+07:00

-89% of guys would want girls to make the first move.
-Girls love it when Guys hug them from behind the waist.
-Chocolate makes you feel better.
-Girls love it when guys let them wear their hoodie or jacket.
-Guys think its cute when you mess up.
-A true friend will NEVER judge you.
-There is only one guy who is worth your tears.
-If you have a dream about someone, then that person went to sleep thinking about you.
-More guys...than girls will read this.
-Everyone likes surprises.

Los Que Me Gusta.

2010-06-15T19:24:00.000+07:00

It has come to my attention that maybe, possibly, with those person whom I want to know better, I've been learning things about them. Then most of the time when I have conversations with them, sometimes I would show them that I learned this and that from what they do and so on. But suddenly one thing came to my head. Do they learn anything about me during our conversations? Not that I want them to know much, but it's just a random but interesting question that came to my head. One person claims that she doesn't know what I like at all. It might just be an expression, but it seemed like she really meant that. So I had some thoughts whether what she said was true or did she just say it to make a point? I want that person to know. So I decided to make this blog post tonight.

I do love being alone sometimes. I love the tranquillity. However most of the time I do prefer to be accompanied by someone who're close with me or someone who I'm able to talk and joke around with. I like joking. I like teasing others. I like seeing smiles carved on others' faces. I like to be the one who carries the problems for the person I like and see them smile always instead of being sad. I like being friends with girls because they usually know stuff better and sometimes they have some questions which they need a guy to answer and not just random guys - but a guy friend. I like 'Kurma Ayam'. I like Curry. I like Roti Canai. I like Teh O Ais. I like Sirap Bandung. I like vanilla flavoured ice cream. I like Google. I like staying around and not doing anything. I prefer not doing boring and stupid stuff. I like going out with friends. I like having friends. I'd like to have a real best friend in Malaysia like Tae Kwan - my best friend when I was in Thailand. I wanna hangout with him again.. I like IT stuff. I like games. I like cool gadgets. I like cheap but good looking clothes. I like playing football. I like going online. I like Facebook. I like to keep quiet. I like to know secrets. I like to depend on people. I like to have people depend on me. I like to have a girl who I can care for and know that she'd care for me too. I like an honest relationship. I like a really long relationship. I like a sincere relationship. I like to clean up my room. I like to bring my phone all the time with me. I like technology. I like shirts with just writings on like my "I Love Crap" shirt. I like to stay away from publicity. I like to hide my feelings. I like music. I like Korean. I like Japanese. I like anime. I like Naruto. I like comedy. I like the feeling when holding hands with a girl I love. I like hugging. I like to make fun of people. I like to stay away from cigarettes, drugs, sex. I'd like to be a better Muslim. I'd like to be able to lead my family in religious matters. I like to have someone whom I can share my feelings and tell everything with. I like writing blogs and receiving comments. I like driving. I like antiques. I like rock music. I like all kinds of music as long as it fits my style. I like to share my feelings. I'd love to have love. I like the music, not the singer. I prefer cuteness over sexiness. I prefer nice girls as in not a b*tch etc. I like it when a girl I like, likes me back. I like the feeling of being in love. I like my family. I like my siblings. I like my cousins. I like my life so far. I like being the third child. I like long hair. I like girls with long hair. I like to caring for someone I care. But ultimately, I like this one girl. I like her smile. I like her looks. I like the way she acts. I like how sometimes she can be so childish. I like knowing more about her. I like her. I just do.

I hope the person who inspired me in writing this blog reads this, and hopefully know something about what I like. :D

.Shazzy Azeman

.Tiempo

2010-05-26T15:11:00.001+07:00

Usually I don't prefer to write entries during the day time. But this time, I got something to say and it's too long to go on Facebook status. So I had to make a blog entry.

The date is 26th May 2010.
Without realising, we're already halfway through 2010. Do you realise how fast time is ticking? I have thought about it. It seems like I was in Thailand just last week. And next week I'm already going to University and start a new life as a student. This week is my last week home and without realising it, it's already Wednesday. Just few days left before I'll have to go. I don't wanna go in a sour mood, so I have decided to try and make this week as much fun as possible.

Things that I wish to see happen before I leave, I think it can't happen. It's too soon anyway. I had doubts about it happening in the first place. But, a man can dream can't he?

I remember the first time I made this blog, and posted the first ever blog 'Una Historia De Una Slugabed'. Seems like I have gone a long way since then. But the truth is, I started it only last year. How fast can time really go? I wonder. But I know I'll try to make the best out of it. As long as I'm alive. As long as I'm able to put a smile on people's faces.

Come to think of it. I don't get to see the moon now. I wonder why. But I'm missing it. As much as I'm missing my friends. :D

I'm leaving this Monday. I guess I won't come online as much as I used to. I need to focus on study. I guess I'll put love and fun aside for now. Though I'd love to have love. XD

.Shazzy Azeman

Expresión De Los Sentimientos De Un Hombre Podrido

2010-05-20T10:39:00.001+07:00

Have you ever have so much big things going on in a short period of time and it's all so crammed up and are equally important to you that it brings you unimaginable amount of stress and worry? Well that's exactly what's happening to me now. Things aren't going so well but I know I'd be able to go through it. I just need to express some of my feelings out of me. Aside from that, how are you all? I haven't been spending a lot of time blogging, sorry about that. The internet here is not as good.

It surprised me that she talks to me now. I mean, after all this time we never talked, I was too scared I might ruin anything for her, that I thought it'd be better if I don't talk to her. But when I do talk to her, we talked like we've been talking ever since. But in front of me, she still seem a little shy. What the heck. My heart was pounding twice it's original speed. My legs shaking, my hands shaking. I tried to keep a straight face and talk normally and I think I succeeded in doing that. No one seem to notice anything. *Pats own shoulder*. So yeah. About the big things, this is one of them. I'm still shocked, and also worried about her condition now. I wish I could be there and talk to her and make her laugh more and forget about the pain, but I'm not there. All I can do and have ever done was talk to her through phone message and online messages. And I feel bad about that...

I'm leaving for university soon. I'm afraid I won't be able to come back here every now and then to check how things are going on for her. Because most of my friends will already be in university and not come here at the same time as I will probably. The thoughts of leaving her again, even just as friends, bothers me much. Adding up to it is the fact that me and my friends won't be able to see each other much any more. I hope no one goes and breaks away all connection like we never knew each other. So, moving on to young adult's life, I am scared as hell! I mean, I went to the university, and all I see was 20+ men and women. I'm friggin 17 going on 18 dude! But I guess it'll be okay. It's my first time living alone away from home. I hope it'll be all fine. I'll bring on old memories and keep it with me as my one familiar thing when I'm away from home. But before I leave, I'd like to see things get better around here. Like her. I would like to see her get over it before I leave. And hopefully I'd have said what I want to say.

Well, get back soon. This sad, melancholic person is not who you are. Anything wrong, even if I'm far away, just gimme a call, a text message, and I'll do my best to come to you. I'm confused. I don't know what I should do. I still love you but, is that the right thing? Even if it's not, it won't change. Whatever you do. Whatever I do. If you're wondering why I still have this feeling? I have no idea why. There are lots of others, but they're not like you. You said there must be a lot of girls flirting with me, and I said I'd always make a serious face around so that could be evaded. Why? Because I don't want them. Because I already have someone in my mind, in my heart. However long it'll take, just tell me when you're ready. I'll be there waiting for you.

Recent news about Thailand bothers me so much. My parents are in Pattaya, Thailand with my little brother. Bangkok is a disaster. Shopping malls bombed and burned, people killed, citizens scared and not allowed to leave house. After the leaders of the Red Shirts Army surrendered, people thought things would be better, but instead their followers got mad and gone wild. It is reported that they're going to Pattaya. And I heard from my mom that Mike's Shopping Mall was bombed. This shopping mall is about 15 minutes away from our house, and is the shopping place of a lot of foreigners. Alhamdulillah my parents was nowhere near there. The curfew also bothers me. If it is extended, then my parents can't come back this Saturday. I'm super worried, but I'm praying everything will be all right. Let's all pray that Thailand would restore back to normal. I'm just ticked at how stupid people are. With just one simple word from one man that promises goodness to a lot of people which, is clearly impossible to do in this world, those people can go wild and do as that one man says. What kind of wicked mind is that? Using people for your own purpose, playing with lives. Burn in hell.

I wanna continue, but it's already a long piece of blog. So I'll stop here.

.Shazzy Azeman

Los Hombres y El Amor

2010-05-19T01:00:00.001+07:00

Because a man change.

For the better or worse, it is up to them to choose. A man change nevertheless. The change is sparked by their ego, surrounding, friends, parents, and even music.

When a man change for the better, it's always a good cause. However, when a man have learned his mistakes, it might have already been too late.. It's because of his ego that a man takes time to learn his mistakes. It's because of a woman that a man learns.

I must say that I've changed in the last 4 years. I am much braver now. I'm not all shy like I used to be. I don't know if I'm a better man, but I still know what is right and wrong in a relationship. I know how precious you are to me. I know enough to not do anything stupid any more. I know that you'd look great in my eyes no matter what you do. I know that I'd always be there for you. I know I won't let jealousy consume me. I know I'd still feel the same towards you even if you hate me, despise me.

Some men change for the worse. A man, engulfed by his ego and surroundings, can forget how precious his girl is. A man like that is blind. With just some fame or prosperity, he changed instantly and without guilt leaves his girl behind. What's worse is a man like that, is scared to ask for his girl to let go. I don't know how him mind works, but I do know there's something wrong with it since he can't see how precious she is. I am disappointed in him. I thought I could rely on him when I told him not to mention my name to her ever, and to take care of her.

I had doubts writing this. I was battling against myself, "should I publish it or not?". I didn't want to publish it. But it might be time to publish a new entry since so long. But I feel guilty. And I don't know what I'm doing right now. I guess I just want to make my point clearer if it's not clear enough. My point is, 'I do care. I've been caring about you since I first talked to you. It was never gone. It was just kept inside.'

.Shazmeel Azeman

La Línea de Salida

2010-04-28T02:23:00.002+07:00

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"darkneesz95 you never know what 'll happen next moment.

maybe your friend will get in an accident and your your family members may leave you at any time.

or maybe YOU will die.

i'm not cursing anyone here, just want you to know that every momeny is a gift.

Treasure what you've got now, and be clear about what you have right now.

Enjoy your life."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If today was your last day...
What would you do? Look up to the sky, be lost in thoughts, memories and reminisce those memories -- smile, laugh, cry. That's what I would do. And that's what I did. After four years of adventure in the land of smiles, Thailand, I have finally reached this day -- the last day. I was never prepared for it. I thought of the things I should do for this day. What it should be like, how it should end, how it should be filled, what it should be filled with... I was scared that I can't make this day a better day. I was scared that I might not say something that I should for this day. But whatever it is, I went as myself, did what I would always do, and was me in all way possible. That, was the best way to go through this day. So I feel relieved.

I honestly have no idea how to write this blog. To start with, there's too much things I could talk about. So much that I might need weeks to write it all down. So I've decided to do it in a way that is concise, but gives out all the necessary information and feelings that I intend to in the first place. Just be noted that I am having a really hard time choosing what to write and what to leave out, so I hope you forgive me if I miss something out.

.Life
How can I say it more? Life here changed me totally. I have gained confidence which I lacked before when I first came. I have improved my speech skills, my self-confidence and my ability to communicate. It is hard to say it in words because even I don't know how to explain it. It changed me so much that I've got no words for it. It's that big.

.Adventure
It's been a hell of a roller-coaster ride! And I hate riding roller-coaster! Not hate, but scared. XD | Well, it's been fun and has it's own highs and lows at times. My friends that I met here, they're the 'engineers' of this ride. You guys alter the course, the thrill, the fun, the boredom, the speed, the image, the mood, and all sorts of things. And together, we rode the ride through the roads that we built together, towards greatness and world domination~! (As far as our forum goes. XD)

Left to Right: Me, TK, Prachi (Pink shirt), Brinda, James (bottom left) and Ellen.
I'd like to thank all of you wonderful and creative engineers. I remember the times when we took this photo. It was the last day of school... Right? Year 10 I think. Prachi is leaving this time. I remember how she reacted in the Year 11 prom night when I said I'm leaving. She said "See you next year in GIS!" bluntly and suddenly shrieked when she realized I'm leaving. Well, look who left and who stayed Prachi! XD

James, I missed him when I started IB. Without him, school life was pretty quiet. I remember English classes with Ms. Blandford and I sat next to him and Hee Suk. We always had problems on writing a creative essay. Even thinking of a topic was hard. When we managed to get a topic, and a title, we had to go through 'the first line' challenge. XD Whatever we wrote for the first line, has to be good enough that we can continue it to make a first paragraph, and the first paragraph has to be good enough so that we can continue to the next paragraph, and so on. Me, James and Hee Suk always got stuck in the first paragraph. XD But he came out with an A* for literature.. You little.. %@#$! XD

Well, you two left first, so good luck with the rest of your life guys! I hope to see you before I die~!

Joo Hyun Lee [이주현] + Shazmeel Azeman. - Only memories left.

She played a huge part during my stay in Thailand. Different than others, but in a positive way. She made time stop, she made the world go round, she made nothing else matter, she made me happy. She was caring, and very loveable. I miss her so much... But I hope she's doing well in a better place than Thailand. I hope she still remember me. I hope she'd use the name I called her by. I hope she still remember her promise... Thanks to her, I made this blog. Thanks to her, you're reading this blog. Thank you, Yanna. I just want to say I'm sorry if I did something wrong to you, and just know that you haven't done anything wrong to me. Even if you did, I have forgiven you long before. Good luck in your life, and take care.

Left to right: Brinda, TK (bottom), Me, Hee Suk (top left), Jun

Next one to leave was Hee Suk. Man I didn't think I had enough time to play with you. XD And you leave so far already. Am I gonna see you again? I dunno.. It felt so different after you left. But I remember those fun times we had. Remember Major? We promised to meet up at 1 p.m. and I came at 1.30 p.m. and TK came at 2 p.m.? And you were standing there, waiting for us in the frickin SUN! Hahaha and you complained we came late and said it was so hot when there's a coffee shop right in front of you where you could went and take the cool air for half an hour. XD I miss your 'vulgar' jokes man. Hahaha. "He's a real m**********r." XD Remember that?

Left to right: Jayshree, Me, TK, Dea, Tanya

I'm gonna miss all of you! All you girls left! Jayshree, fun person with lotsa 'smart jokes' and fan of HP like Brinda. XD Youngest student in her university now lmao that's what you get for leaving us early! Haha. I'unno what else to write about her. She's a good friend who always laugh and brightens up the day. ^^

Dea! First female friend I know when I came to Thailand. The very first day, she was the one who told Shivam to talk to me. Thanks for that. ^^ I didn't think we'd be good friends back then. It's amazing how things works out after that. Just like the song said. ^^ Hope you do well in Aussie~ I miss you ~!! And thanks for coming to see me on your last day here. I appreciate that a lot. And remember the haunted house pic? You were scared of the ghost and I saved you hahahahahahaha :P
One advice, don't think too much on things. Enjoy life, and sit back and relax sometimes. ^^ You're gonna need that. Lol.

Tanya, my first thought of her was that she's pretty mysterious. I knew she liked to draw unicorns and dragons in maths classes. A GREAT drawer. Awesome drawing skills. I wish I have those so I can do animations. XD Gets high on coffee as I was informed, but I'm fortunate enough that I don't get to see that yet. XD OH! Friggin MULTINATIONALITY girl! XD And can speak SO MANY different languages that I'm jealous of her; But, it was good to see you that time! Just, stay away from coffees! XD

IB1's. Left to right: Anushree, Vanessa, Me, TK, Brinda, Jun. MISSING: Heiko & Ellen.

Smaller the class, closer the bonds. Thanks for this guys. It was fun. It's been fun. As Jun's face shows. Haha. I was choosing the best photo for this, and it was between this and the one where we can see only Jun's ass. It was a hard choice. Felt like it was a decision of life and death! Haha

Haaa... I really don't know what to say... I want to share the feelings, but I don't know how to..

You guys make me feel special. So special. I didn't think I'm much of a great friend, maybe that's just because I don't really judge myself, and sometimes I don't talk to people over the net when I see them online. But even so, I dunno.. Just, like.. I'm really grateful that I met you guys here. Leaving is fun, but I wish we could all leave together and go to other places together.

Heiko's and TK's excessively long stories, Brinda's magical fantasy, Anushree's big eyes, Jun's English, Ellen's speed of speech, Vanessa's singing; Heh. Those are how I would describe all of you in less than 3 words. Did I say I'm gonna miss you guys? I'd surely remember these features of you all. Haha.

"Friends are like a diary. You tell them things that you won't tell others." .Shazmeel Azeman

In all my life, I was brought up in a family who strongly disapprove of doing bad things to other people. We were taught to always be nice to people even though they break your heart into pieces. I wouldn't say I am exactly like that, but I am pretty close to it. I try to be nice to everyone I met but sometimes my kindness is used to their advantage or perceived differently. With this fresh in my mind, I try to be a good friend. I listen to others and don't do things that will surely hurt others. Of course, friction occurs sometimes when I've got a pretty bad temper... So if anything, I would like to seek forgiveness if I have offended you, made you feel bad, or done any bad deeds to you. I don't mean it in any way back then, now, and in the future.

You know, sometimes I wonder, who my real friends are. I mean, we can have thousands of friends, but how many real friends can we have? How do we know they're our real friends? To me, I guess you just know it by instinct.

So I guess from a blog, I changed this place into a public diary. From a post for friends, I turned this into an expression of my feelings. But whatever it is, it's from me, to you.

It's been fun. Well, time to move on. Time is not always on our side so we need to play accordingly. Let's not leave this as the end of our friendship. Let's make this the starting point. Let's make the distance the challenge. Let's make the friendship bloom. Let's be friends forever.

.Shazzy Azeman

Estallo De Los Pensamientos

2010-04-20T03:25:00.001+07:00

I am trying so hard nowadays to be able to think about something that is more poetic and able to catch reader's attentions for my blog -- but as you can see with the sudden halt on my blog-posting, I have failed to do so. Well I am no fan of poems or Shakespeare, but I do love creating things in forms of words that people could read and possibly relate to. But right now, I'm just talking nonsense.

You ever feel so de-motivated that nothing else matters and you start not doing anything and just sit on computer and go online all day and not sleeping on time and waking up so late that there's no more point in waking up? If so, do you feel like life is slowing down and your memory is going very bad that you can't even remember what happened last week?

That's exactly how I feel right now.

I've never felt this bad. Too de-motivated that nothing can be done. And school? At this rate, if I go to school, I'd probably end up skipping classes and going against teachers. Sure, that is not as bad as it sounded but I am not that kind of a person. I don't normally skip classes and go against others. I'm more of a voyeur.

And dude what is up with today's teenagers!?
If you're so in need of being in love, at least know what being in love means goddamnit! I despise all of you who says "Oh, I love him/her!" and all you wanted was either sex, or status rather than that person's love. I don't care about you people and other people who doesn't concern me or my life, but when these type of people are my friend, or a friend of friend who I know of and talk to, they start to come to me and tell me all sorts of problems they're having with their so called 'love-life'. And that is just annoying. When I feel like this, I've no interest what-so-ever on things like this. You made a mistake, you ask for advice. Not help. You made a mistake, you take care of yourself after that.
This is hard for me to say but I can't be a nice guy forever! If I do, people will step on me like I'm a stair! They would use me just to get further on their lives, while I'm stuck here helping them up! Fuck that!

Don't you ever think that my life was hard too? I still haven't got over my feelings when I was dumped by all three of my ex girls. And the worse part is, I still have some feelings for them even if it's just a tiny bit...

Being single is fun and all, but the one thing I miss was the knowledge that anywhere, any time, when you have someone special, he/she is always there when you need them. And the fact that you can talk about anything with them and know that they understand you and care about you. Or at least, you think they do.
Nothing hurts more than being deceived and later on know the truth from something/someone else.
I've been through this. And it didn't feel so good.

Whatever it is, I am not giving up on life just yet. It's just that I'm pissed at life and how people treat me.

.Shazzy Azeman

La Luna y El Mundo - ♥

2010-03-27T01:47:00.001+07:00

So right now work is overloading like Chinese people. There's too much of them than what the world can hold... So I'm still tryna hang on here. It's all right though. I kinda enjoy some of the assignments especially thinking about World-literature comparative study essay. But I'm not sure I'll be able to do it nicely. So, wish me luck. ^^

I just realized what's out the window. I'm in my bedroom, on my bed, typing this. And the window is right in front of me. Before my eyes, I see the moon. Covered by clouds. Pretty much like the moon in my banner except not that orange. I've loved the moon for sometime now -- I'm not even sure when did I first started noticing the moon. But one thing for sure, one person made me look at it all the time back then and now. And whenever I see it, I'm always amazed. We all know that moon doesn't give out it's own light. It reflects the light from the Sun. But how many people actually think that a second hand thing could be so beautiful? I believe in that so I'm able to appreciate the moon whenever I see it shining. Especially when it's a full moon. Even though the moon is not original, it is original in some ways.

However, I'm the kind of person who has bad imagination and I tend to not believe some things if it doesn't seem too real. I also dislike the "What if..." talks and others of the such. I thought that it is pretty absurd. Despite all that, I am trying my hardest to believe that whenever I look upon the moon, someone else across the world is looking at me too through the moon. But I always failed and the image I got is always this;

But that's just me. How about you guys? What are your thoughts on the things mentioned above about the "What if..." speeches? Do you have similar things as I do? (minus the image I guess. No one else would be fail enough to become like that... Right?) Share it with me if you do!

Earth Hour. 1 hour. 27th March.

8.30 PM

Turn your lights off.

All for one, One for all.

Who's doing this hand's up!!? *Puts hands up*
I did this last year too, and I felt satisfied. One whole year of wasting energy, for just one hour, I for one, would be able to help us all. Even by just a tiny bit. Remember, big things that happens once is not as great as small things that reoccur. So let's make this a chain reaction guys! Support the earth, and live for yet another day! It's not that hard!

.Shazzy Azeman

Pequeña Cantidad De Pasión

2010-03-14T15:15:00.001+07:00

Finally after a long trial of thinking what I should write about, and I tried writing a blog yesterday, but that was a failure because I didn't feel anything when writing it. So I don't want to post it. I got a nice sleep in my room with newly repaired 10 degree celcius aircond, the second I woke up I turned the laptop on. Then read my email and BOOM! (lmao TK) I got an idea.

You know what I hate? I hate someone who spreads rumours. Even if it's not a rumour, as in, it's a true story they're spreading. Especially if it's something that can make the topic person feel bad or angry or whatever. It's because of these people that small things become a huge thing. They spread things like a bad habit a person have or a bad trait a person have and laugh about it with their friends. If that's it, I don't care. But they made it public. How fucked up is that!? If you know things like that, then just keep it private between you and your friends. You don't have to tell the whole world about it do you? I mean, what are you? A little messenger dancing around telling everyone all these things? What'd you get from that dude? What'd you get? NOTHING. That's right, you get NOTHING. You probably watch too much American news like E! News and stuff and think it's cool to have so much personal thinks be broken to public. If you think I'm an artist, well thank you but I'm not an artist so my stories doesn't have to be heard in public.
Some things are better off unknown. I said that in my previous post. It is true. Some things ARE better off unknown if not forever, at least to an extent.

Because the reason why we do things, are to get attention.
If no one wants attention, would there be any of these kinds of people around?

On other side note, I want to take this chance to say I'm sorry if my behaviour sometimes ticks you off. I'm sorry if I don't really show how I truly feel sometimes. Usually I think if there's nothing much to talk about, it's better if I just don't talk rather than talking, then stop after 3 lines right? I guess if you don't mind that then I'll try to do that. If you know me, you'd probably know that I don't really care about things around me. Or rather, I don't show that I care. To some things, I do care. But to most, I just can't be bothered. Why bother when it can make your life worse right?

Just remember:
The world is not a happy place. That's why we smile.
Keep on smiling everybody. ^^

Honestly I don't really feel that I should post this since it doesn't feel right when was writing it. But I want to post something today so I decided to just post it. So, I understand if you find this a bit boring. Sorry ~

.Shazzy Azeman

Lost and Found.

2010-03-01T18:53:00.006+07:00

It's been a while since I last posted a blog.. Even the layout of the blog posting page has been updated. So I think it's time to write another entry. Though lately I've been so lazy and wasted a lot of my time on online games and such, it's eating me up.

So I'll start with what's going on right now. I'm still in holidays. Though it's the last day and I didn't do anything in my holiday. But it's been so good. I've been staying inside my house, my room most of the time and go down only when I want to eat, or when I was called to go down, or when I feel like I should go down. I've been staying up late too. Up to 5 a.m. and waking up equally late. It's unhealthy I know. There was one person who kept telling me it's unhealthy to sleep late and such. I like to use the excuse that the reason why I still do that is because now there's no one reminding me of how unhealthy it is. Pathetic I know.

So I got this paper right, where I wrote down my blog idea a few weeks ago and decided to write it as soon as possible but now I'm reading the note, and I don't get what the hell I wrote down. -_-

But I'm just going to make a guess and go on and write about it. Note to readers: This might be a long ass blog.

.:: My Transformation ::.

That lil' title looks funky so I used it. XD

If you know the nature of humans, you'd know that in each situation, humans adapt to changes. For instance, a person acts differently when they're with their friends in school and when they're with a small group of friends or so. I find this very true to me. I'm very different from when I'm in a large group in school, to a rather smaller group, when I'm only with one other close person I know of, and my family. Now I know it's all true to you too. But you see, if you think you know me in school, then you sir/madam, have failed in life. No offence.

In school I tend to be rather quiet and not too outstanding if you know what I mean. I like to keep a very low profile. So if you ask around, people might not even know I exist. That's how I am in school. A large part of this happens because of the language barrier. I know my English is not as good as my Malay, so that affects it largely. If I went to school where people speak Malay, then you might see the other me. Get it?

Whereas in a rather smaller group, I tend to be more to who I am. And when I say smaller group, I don't mean being with 2-3 people I barely know of. Or as I call it, a 'School-friend'. Think you know what I mean by that term? In a smaller group I tend to be more understanding and more open to people. It's because of the trust that's created or whatever crap it is that makes you feel more comfortable in a smaller group than a large group.

With my family, it's all game face baby. If you get the chance to see me with my oh-so-amazing cousins and family, you might think, "I never knew he's like that!" Get what I mean?

And lastly, with one person that I have emotions for, I can be more sensitive and I'll have stronger emotions. Of course, it's a normal thing (if you are normal) to have that kind of feelings. But like I always have, I'm very understanding. Except when I'm a sudden idiot.

Now that's that, the main structure of this post is over and done with. Now, the random part. (Yay!)

Kudos to all those who are now a Naruto fan because of me. (Anushree and TK). I am glad to have brought light to your life. ^^

By the way, to answer some questions, or to clarify something, I do what I do to see the reaction from people.
I'm not going into any further detail on that. It's of your own interpretation. Maybe leave a comment and I might answer.

And when I do know, I keep the information and store it. That is it. I don't really care most of the time.
Again, same as above.

A piece of advice, produced by what I think is right and under no circumstances trying to offence others.
Sometimes it is better to forget.

Keep it simple. When we live in a place where there's a lot of differences in either religion, races, culture and et cetera, believe in what you believe and respect what others believe. Don't you go and fuck around saying how right you are and mock others' beliefs.
It's not cool.

And sometimes we don't need to know why something happens. Sometimes it is better to leave things unknown.
Or you can go crazy.

Oh one more thing,
Train hard to be the best, but when you have become the best in one thing, don't brag and think too highly of yourself. When you are wrong, admit you're wrong. When you fall, admit you fell. Nothing wrong with not being perfect once in a while. After all, we are humans.
It's the most disgusting trait a human could possess. If you do that, I despise you internally because guess what? I already gave you the answer. You just have to find it and make sense of it. Though I specifically think Dea would know what I'm talking about or rather, hmm let's stop there. XD

Yeah that's it. Thank me for not being lazy to bother writing this. ^^

Until then, live a happy life.

.Shazzy Azeman

Pity

2010-01-22T18:18:00.005+07:00

Fraser's Hill, Malaysia

Beautiful ain't it? Fraser's Hill in Malaysia is one of the most beautiful tourism places throughout Malaysia. Others in it's group are the Genting Highland and Cameron Highlands.

However, I'm here to talk about ANOTHER Fraser.

Not to make anything 'too' direct, but to state an opinion.

I am studying my IB Diploma in a pretty sh***y school named Garden International School, Rayong. (ref: http://www.gardenrayong.com/)

And in this school, sometimes they have this day called the "Mufti Day" where:

"You can wear Anything that you want. You can even turn up wearing bikinis if you want too !"

Qutoed from a teacher in GIS.

And it's usually for a cost of 50 Baht per student. Usually it's for a good cause and this time, it's for donations for the earthquake victim in Haiti or something. I don't really watch the news so I don't know. So when they claimed that we can wear anything, it should mean ANYTHING right? So there I was, wearing this shirt saying:

I ♥ CRAP

And guess what? Remember a red name from above? He came and said: There's some complaints made from people about your shirt" bla bla bla.. I was kinda ignoring him. I was tryna get something to eat from the cafe, and he was next to me speaking, and I was like, looking for what to get and all I could hear was him saying something about my shirt. So I just said yeah okay yeah got it. Then I went.

IGNORED FTW~

The funniest part is he went on and on about IB students' shirts and said that we should wear appropriate shirts and other shit. My reaction to that? Faggit. ^^
THEY said Mufti Day is the day where you don't have to wear uniforms AND you can wear ANYTHING you want ! How the fuck can what I wore was 'inappropriate'? Though I do feel sorry for him for having nothing else to care about than what we're wearing. Must be a torturing job. But what the hell, he seem lo love it !

So I head outside later to get away from the school's sh*tty-ness, and enjoyed the great weather. That's where my friends said that it turns out the people who complained about my shirt, was primary teachers claiming it's inappropriate that the primary students should read and decipher it. But fuck that ! Those kids swears more than we do! Where the fuck is justice!?
Heh, in that school, justice and student's happiness are just like ants to them. It's around them all the time, but they've always just ignored it. And when they feel like it, hell! Why not kill some of them?

.Shazzy Azeman

[.....]

2010-01-18T16:54:00.004+07:00

You know how sometimes things just don't go how you want them to? Even worse, when it was all good and suddenly it all just goes back and stabs you from the back. I kinda just had that. Today. But I'm not gonna talk about that. It wasn't such a big deal but, I made a promise to someone dear that I would try my hardest to be happy all the time, not to just feel sad and demotivated to go on. I used to do that a lot when that person was here, even though I'm so happy when I'm with that person. But maybe because when we're not together, all the feelings comes back to me. But thanks to that person, I had the reason to smile and have a good time. Not saying that I can never have a good time or to smile in other circumstances, but just to show how much of an impact that person brings to me. I used to have a person where I can just talk to about anything. All my personal problems, all my happiness, my families, because I took all the time to tell that person all about me. It doesn't feel awkward... It was good to have someone like that in your life. So please, whatever you do, when you met that kind of person, try to value them.

I have a friend whom I appreciate a lot. Although it doesn't look like it, I actually feel a bit comfortable when I'm with her. Only her though. If I'm with her and we're with our other friends, it doesn't feel the same way. But there's just no replacement to that person... The trust that we had built together was far too great in such a short time. I can't believe it was so short... With a huge impact in my life... Now there's no one that I can go to and tell all my daily stories to.

I hope that person is reading this because,

I miss you.

.Shazzy Azeman

Wake Up Call.

2009-12-03T10:20:00.004+07:00

Wow..

I am shocked. It's like, a real hard slap on my face. It's not got much to do with me, but still..

Today in school I was in my free period. A girl in the second year (a senior) got 9 missed calls from the same person today. She came in to get it then went out soon after. I was sitting on the corner doing my chemistry work. Then after a while she came and said "my friend's ex boyfriend just died this morning." She was so shocked she couldn't speak right.

She said the boy had the day of his life last week. And today, he died. Just like that. In an accident. She said he was a biker boy. But he wasn't reckless. To die like that, it's.. It's unexplainable..

But the thing is, she said she last talked to him just two days ago. She sounded like she did something bad to him or something. It shocked me. Just, this thing, all of it - is too much to take in.. And she said the accident happened in front of his school, like in the morning, and blood everywhere...

I mean, I don't know what to do.. I'm not real close to the girl, so I feel awkward talking to her, but here I am typing this while listening to what she's saying to her friend. I hate this situation. When something bad is happening and I don't know what the hell to do. It's bad enough as it sounds, but when you're in the situation, and it is about death, It's the last thing you'd want to be doing.

I've experienced it enough to hate it. I feel like I'm a weak person, unable to do nothing... I don't fucking get it !

Imagine, a person you know - a real nice person. A friend of your friend. You had time to talk to them and be close to them, and you took it for granted, and used it all to try to get as close as you can to them and you're really thankful for that. But he/she is a bit weird and you hated that about them. So lately you've been ignoring them. And the next thing you know, you're in school and your phone is ringing in class, and you couldn't answer it. When you do, it's just to know that he/she has just died... This morning. How fucked up is that? How would you feel? It's the worse feeling ever...

Death.. Is something beyond my understanding. It's far beyond my expectation. It could come in the next second, the next minute, the next hour. The worse part is, we don't know when. I'm afraid. I'm... Shocked...

So before it is too late, I wish to say if I have done something wrong to any of you, please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. If you hate me for whatever reason, I hope it is only for the best. Hate me all you want, but just know that I don't hate you. I don't hate any one. I don't think of anyone as my enemy. If I did, it must've been my stupidity at that moment. All I ever wanted to do in my life was to have fun.

I hope it's not too late for forgiveness...

.Shazmeel Azeman

Blabber.

2009-11-27T01:24:00.003+07:00

It's been a while now. Since my other life ended. It seems like since I started IB Diploma back in GIS, I was reborn and my life seems to be at the start again. Hoping that nothing from the previous life will come to me, I live everyday differently than how I would before. It seems to me that I have been doing well. Until recently. I knew I shouldn't have listened to any songs with a deep 'love' meanings. Those kind of song revives parts of the old life. Which I hate.

I would love to just kill the old me and get it done with...

Right now, there's only one thing that I want. And if you've been reading my blog, you should have a fair idea of what I'm talking about. Whatever my wish is, there is nothing I can do to make it become a reality. All I can really do is look up the sky, gazing up at the moon, and look back down and walk on...

A little writings don't help in making me feeling better. It is just so that at least I told someone. These things are for you to know and that's it. No more than that. Please don't talk about it. Yeah it might make me feel better, and I actually really wanna talk about it with someone. But right now, there's just no one that I could really talk to.

.Shazzy

.::Along The Road of Memories::.

2009-09-14T20:49:00.004+07:00

After 4 straight years of living and studying in Thailand, or so claimed the "Land of Smiles", I realized that I've changed over the course of the 4 years. And things were so different back then. Being in Thailand was and still is a great experience to me. I've learned a lot and transformed a lot. I've also made a whole group of friends. And at the same time, learned about the different cultures and way of life they live here.

I remember my first day of school in Garden International School. First person I knew was Syahmi. Seeing that we went to school on the same vehicle. Then along came Shivam. The Messy Haired Half Indian guy. My first impression of him was "This guy could be the "I'm so funny" prankster". xD We talked a little and then comes *drum rolls*

... Wait for it..
Wait for it...
*drum rolls louder*

.... Dea! She was with Pair. A girl I don't know much about. She was just there not talking much when Dea and Shivam were talking in a language that seems alien to me. The Thai language.

So, Dea is the girl who talks a lot. Shivam and her have known each other for as long as I can remember. She likes to laugh for some reason. And the look. When she looks at you, sometimes it's so scary that you won't be scared of ghosts. And Syahmi used to like her back in year 9 I think. XD

It was at this point of my life where I really wanna leave this place. I couldn't enjoy it much and it had a negative impact on me.

But after a while, it was year 9. I remember Mr. O'shea being our form tutor. The Irish who supports Liverpool. He's probably the busiest man in the whole school. He's so busy that when he gives you homework, he'll forget about it and not check it. XD

If I remember correctly, the people I used to talk with in year 9 was Gautam, Rupert, Heesuk, Petch, and who can forget the mighty duo, the clowns of GIS, the "punk", Jamie and Michel. Famous for their "Ice ice baby" dance moves, and their nerdy-ness about computer, they are actually well known and well, equally hated in the school.

A little bio about these people:

Gautam: Often called "Gaytam" by Jamie. They fight a lot. Though at times they're really close together. He's the real punk. Funny in a way. I find him funny coz he is, well, kinda short and a bit fat. Imagine a person with that trait who tries to be a gangter. LOL. He's a good friend of mine but always can't hear what I said. -___-

Rupert: Didn't talk to him much but he was Heesuk's best friend before Volk in year 10. Likes Pokemon, was the master Torn City player and was married to Heesuk in torn city I think.

Heesuk: The no eye Korean guy. His eyes were always the subject of ridicule and his height. His hair has always been the same since then. He's the genius who's always competing with Prachi. And he's the precise guy. Always so precise. But now, he's the funny ass dude.

Petch: Honestly I didn't like him much. But he's cool and funny. The young golf player of Thailand. Actually won a tournament.

Either in late year 9, or early year 10, I began hanging out with the "group". Jayshree, Brinda, Dea, Tanya, Darn, TK, Anushree and me. Later in year 10 Prachi came back and she joins the group too.

Bios about them:

Jayshree: Pretty cool and the smart girl. Also the youngest in the group. Joins choir own her own will.

Brinda: The pony-tailed girl. Her hair is SO long. And always gets tripped by Jayshree and would love revenge.

Dea: I honestly don't know what to say about her. She talks a lot, laughs a lot, likes to make dirty jokes, have a lot of contacts, and maybe she ignored more than half of her msn contacts XD
Always hiding something. I don't think no one ever knows her 100%.

Tanya: The multi nation girl! She claimed that she have more than 4 nationalities. Also the Spanish speaker. She talks in Spanish so fluently and so fast that I go =o when I hear her. Also, very blur. Always off in her own space. They say she can't drink coffee or something. XD

Darn: Aha! The clumsy girl. Likes to sing out loud, and dance anywhere she feel like, and always make a mistake when she speak in English. The one who brightens up the day.

TK: The Thai Kid! Been living in Thailand for the 9th year now. With IB, he'll be staying for 2 more years which means he have lived longer in Thailand than in Korea. Can speak Thai too. He's my best friend. Understanding and stuff. Sometimes he talks a lot that no one were willing to listen, but I don't think he notices it. XD

Anushree: The sarcastic girl. Always so sarcastic. Have a round eye. It's big. Really. And have the same birthday as me !

Prachi: She was the one who's always missing out. Always don't understand a joke or etc. But for some reason so smart. She's kinda complicated.

In year 9, was the time when a new girl in year 8 got into GIS. Since then, I kept on secretly looking at her. I had a crush on her. And also on another girl. In year 10 I realized that the other girl I had a crush with was not for me. And eventually gave up on her. But the other girl whom I kept looking at, still holds my crush. But that's a whole new story. And it's also an old story.

Some of my other friends who brightens up my days were Nicha, James, Jeong, Jun, Dan and Ellen were all so different but interesting to be with.

Nicha likes to dance and sing, and make fun of James. Likes to call me Shazerie. And likes to borrow my purple scissor. XD She likes sports, she's better than me in basketball, and she used to sing "3~ Is a lucky number~"
I still don't know the reason for it. But anyways, best of luck for your IGCSE Nicha~

James. The joker. Likes to play around. Tease girls. And fun to be with. I can't imagine how school will be like without him.

Jeong is the cool guy. We're not as close at first because he was a troubled kid. But in the end, he pulled off and began to be a better person. Calls me bodo all the time. And calls Heesuk mofo. Likes to make jokes and very fun to be with.

Jun. The one who seem lost all the time. Fun, and always having trouble with English.

Dan was one of my good friends. He's very funny. Likes girls a lot. And very good with guitar. He's a nice dude and always teach me how to play a song in music class. Unfortunately he left after just a few months in GIS.

Ellen is Jamie's sister. Funky girl. Tries a lot of stuff with her fashion looks. Arty. She makes dolls, stitches stuff on her skirt, draws on her shoes and all sort of funky stuff.

And so, the reason I wrote this entry was to reminisce the old times. The good times. And to act as a reminder for me to remind myself how much I have changed. And how lucky I am to be here. I feel relieved that I didn't make the decision to go back to Malaysia before.

Korea Trip

2009-09-03T21:56:00.004+07:00

It's been a while since I went to South Korea. I forgot to write about my experience there. I went there for holidays and stayed at my friend's house. Was pretty cool. It's a small house but believe me, I'd love to live in that house if I'm an adult you know. Anyway, his mom was awesome! Like, so cool and energetic too. Fun person. His grandmother was the one who cook for us all.
Oh yeah. The picture xD. It's a picture of me and TK (it's his house I went to in Korea) in Everland I think. It's a water park. So damn nice but there wasn't much rides there. Plus, the water is so damn cold! And it's like on a mountain of some sort. So the wind blows so much! Frequent wind + Cold water = Friggin Cold!
Now to explain why we're not wearing any shirts. We kinda messed up. Brought extra shirt to change to and, left it in the car! TK's fault. So we just went to play with our shirt on, but for some reason, he didn't forget to bring our spare boxers lol. So yeah. We gotta walk out in that cold, freezing wind topless. Plus, the car is like, waaaaaay out in the entrance. Pretty long journey back to the car. But the pic is pretty cool right? XD

More about Korea, it was kinda a waste that I went all the way to Korea, and didn't go to Seoul and all. It's like, the one they're all talking about you know. But I didn't go around that place. But it's pretty cool that I actually got to go there! I never thought that I could go.

Good Food!
Some foods I liked back there was "Oh! Gamja!" XD That's the name. It's a potato snack. And the name means "Oh! Potatoes!" I think. And that thing, rice and beanstalk, and chilli paste. Damn that's nice. I forgot the name though. And the drinks. Banana Ooyu, Chestnut Ooyu, Strawberry Ooyu. Those were nice. Oh yeah. Ooyu is Milk. XD

Hmm. There's a lot more if I were to tell. But my fingers hurting. I miss Korea. I miss everything about Korea. The Koreans, all of it!

Un Poco De Mi Mente

2009-08-13T23:41:00.004+07:00

Can I reset everything?
Can I reformat?
Is it possible to start again?
It is as if my life has been infected with deadly viruses and I'm stuck with it. I've got to live with it or, if possible, reset my life and begone with the viruses.
But I'm no computer. There's no freaking way I can reformat my life.
The only way is to live with that shit.

Honestly I feel so shitty right now.
I tried writing what I feel, but no one reads it.
The things I write, I wrote it for a reason.
It's what I really feel. And in person, I can't say all those.
I don't have anyone who I feel, can take in all that I wanna say and be able to withstand it and bear with it.
They would either laugh at me or not taking me seriously, or they might even ignore what I just said to them, or say they've got problems themselves and can't be bothered to help me.
When you people read, I believe you will ask me "what's wrong Shaz? Something happened?"
Well like I said, I can't talk about it in person. It's just not me..
I write the stuff that's in my head at the moment. But not all. There's too much stuff going on in my head that it's impossible to write all of it.

Long story short, I hate everything now.
I'm done.
That's it.

I'm sorry but I don't think the old me will still be out there.
He's history.

Life Stuff.

2009-07-02T18:20:00.004+07:00

When going through life, Keep some things in mind.

I've got some points that will help you go on with life.

Here it is:

1. Choose an attitude.

You have to choose what are you. Whether you are ignorant, talker or anything else. It's good to know.

2. Have fun.

It's always good to have fun. It makes you forget of your sadness

3. Get some friends.

If you're a lonely bastard then you're a lonely bastard. Get some friends to be able to have more fun.

4. "Shit Happens"

Remember that. It's vital to life. If you forget that, you will be miserable and all when some unexpected things happens.

5. Get a nice hairstyle.

It's important. Trust me.

6. Get A Nice Girl Friend/ Boy Friend.

This is very useful. If you are lonely, and sad that you have nothing to look forward to, getting someone to spend your life with is a good idea. But make sure they're nice. So that you can be with them for a long time and never want to break up.

7. "Breaking up sucks.... A LOT"

Remember this. If you want to break up, then don't get a gf or bf. Because, when you think that is the best thing to do, and you talked to your friends about it, it seems the best thing to do. But later, your friends will get tired of hearing you nagging about your regret.

8. Remember that "Shit Happens"

It still would happen if it's meant to. Nothing you can do to change it.

9. Try to do some things to get you focused.

Because if you're sad, and can't accept the fact, doing something will let you focus on it rather than the things that makes you sad. It's pretty useful. Some things I suggest, play some game. Or make a song with your band. Or be active in a forum. Or sleep late every night and wake up after half the day have passed.

10. Take your phone everywhere.

Someone might call or text.

.... MIGHT.

Don't blame me if no one text you. I get that a lot. Sucks to be us.

11. Learn to play instruments.

It's a good way to be able to calm yourself down. Unless you really suck at it and unable to play any song and later you get angry and stops trying to play.

12. Get a description of LIFE.

You will need this. In order to live it the way you want, you need to know what is life. What do you do in life? What do you want from it? Getting a good description is crucial.

13. Have an ambition.

After being told to study like shit, it's a good thing to have an ambition. Just so you know what you're gonna be doing. If you don't have any yet, think of one quickly.

14. Stick to your religion.

It's another guide of life. If you're an atheist, then it's a bit harder. Since you might not know what to believe in.

15. Be you.

If you don't have an identity, you're pretty much dead. Pretending you're someone you're not is just gay. So don't do it.

That's about it.

Take this as guideline and you will be able to go on with life better.

No offense is intended. If you're offended, then I'm not sorry. Not my fault you're easily offended.

- Shazmeel -

Para Ellos. Un Poco Sobre Yo.

2009-05-09T23:11:00.009+07:00

There's just some part of me that no one knows. And I bet you're saying:
"yeah I don't think I've ever known him that well..."

Or you might be saying:

"That's impossible. He's my friend/ best friend etc.. I must know him well.."
("...or at least I should..")

This is some part of me.
This. Is me.

As we all know, we are made of a single cell, that made up a tissue - which joins together to make a muscle - which joins together yet again to form an organ - which again works together to form a system.
My point is that we are all made from something. What I'm focusing on now is on our character traits.

We all have different traits in us.
Be it shy, outstanding, flamboyant, melancholic, slow at catching up, or maybe afraid of what people think about us.
Few of all these, are in me.

I have been living with all those different traits in me for almost 17 years now. And honestly, some of them are making me unable to live my life to its fullest. To enjoy it. To smother it...

I have difficulties trying to be myself.
That shyness in me. It has always been there to separate me and the 'fun' world. It has always limited my joy, my tears, and even my experience...
I am often too shy to do something. To scared to do something. Especially when it comes to things that I've not done before or takes a bit of courage to perform it. It's a tonne harder when it involves a public crowd... That shyness weakens me. I would die for a cure for this ill. I want to experience my life more. I hate it when I want to do something so badly, but the thoughts in my mind runs fast, the shyness overwhelms and I ended up not doing it. It has happened ever so often that I grew sick of it.

I'd like to express how I feel through my actions.
I can never do that. I can never show how sad I am, or how happy I am, or how relieved I am or others through my actions. I find it hard.
With Yanna, I've always wanted to show how happy I am when I'm with her.
With my friends, I've always wanted to show that I'm not just a guy who don't talk much. I actually do talk a lot.
I'd love to express it all...

It's often stopped by the thought of what people think of me when I do something.
Whenever I think of doing something to show how I feel, I the thought of what people might think invades my brain in split second. And thus, stopped me from showing it.
Because ever so often have I tried. But the reaction from people around me was always the unpleasant ones. I always end up demotivated. As usual.

And so this curse will never be cured...

Ayudarme.

2009-05-01T16:50:00.001+07:00

There's 3 important times in my life.
The time when I'm;
Alive;
Dead;
and,
Half - Dead.

I'm alive when I have someone to look forward to tell my strories to.
When there's someone who I can hope for.
When there's someone I can wait for.
The one who can always craft a smile on my face.
The one who can always take my jokes.
The ones who are there when I want them to be.
And the one whose presence are always welcomed.

This is the time when you probably see me enjoying my time. Doing my best at everything I do.
Being flamboyant perhaps.
But I'm not that kind of person.
I can't express my feelings well enough through actions.

And I am dead when there's no one else I can go to.
When they're all gone,
When I'm left alone. When I'm lost.
When you think of leaving me,
You now know the effect it has on me.
But don't stay for me.
Stay on your own will.
I'm no one to tell you to do as I wish.

Farewell.

I'm Half - Dead when some of them leave.
When the time for their departure is near.
When I feel there's so much to do,
in so little time...

Maybe now you will regret.
So will I
but I'm not good at expressing my feelings through actions.
So I'll stay here.
Smiling.
Looking 'alive'.

2009-04-30T19:42:00.003+07:00

The seek me when they are in need.

I guide, but not guided.

I help, but not helped.

I love, but not loved.

Who am I in this misleading, unjust, wrong world?

A nobody...

Untitled.

2009-04-11T23:11:00.005+07:00

I seem to have forgotten how things can change in a split second.. It's amazing how one can have nothing - from everything.
Tonight, I feel like a part of me, is lost.

She always seem so strong.. Always so confident.. Even when she's delivering a sad news..
Never in our time together have I seen her being hysterical.
It's not that I want to see that but sometimes, I feel like she's trying so hard to keep me happy.
Although I'm glad, but it also mean that I won't always know how she actually feels.. And that made me feel guilty..
It made me question myself;
"Am I really doing all I can for her?"

She always say that as long as I'm happy, she would too. But I wonder what I should do..
I wonder, if I want to change that, would everything change?

Things I wish I knew..

Forever Love,
샤스밀 ♥ 주현.

A Note For You.

2009-03-22T18:13:00.004+07:00

Now the time has come
For you to move on
Go now. Don’t worry about me
I’ll be fine.

I don’t get it.
Why does it have to be so soon?
It feels so short…
But don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.

So whenever you miss me,
Whenever you want me to be there,
Just call out my name
Remember all the things we did together
And hold on to the hope that I will be there soon.

Don’t you cry about it.
Don’t you feel sad about it.
I will take away all that sadness.
You go and live happily.
I will enjoy the sufferings.
Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.

So whenever you miss me,
Whenever you want me to be there,
Just call out my name
Remember all the things we did together.
And hold on to the hope that I will be there soon.

I can’t imagine the pain that will soon face me,
Nor do I know how to move on...
But don’t you worry about me. I’ll be fine
Trust me.
One day I will go and fetch you.
Believe me.
One day I will come back to you.
Wait for me.
I’ll go to you…

Un Sueño.

2009-02-21T12:59:00.004+07:00

Dreams.
Dreams are nothing but a mere game in one's sleep. Constructed by the right hemisphere of the human brain, a dream comes to one's sleep. The precision that a dream might contain varies. It may contain a glimpse of a scene - either in future, or past. It may be vague or crystal clear.
Some say what one see in a dream is the opposite of what will happen, and some hold on hopes to their dreams. As if it is what will be.
What one may dream about may be influenced by what they want. Some things that one might want or amused by can affect one's dream. Someone, something, songs or ambitions might be some reasons for it.

A vague dream often intrigues you by making it less clear and often short. A dream might make you remember something, a place, someone or even a scene. You might not be able to tell others about what you dreamed about most of the time. At least not fully. Some parts of what you dream will be lost as soon as you wake up.

Some might have an exciting dream, with everything created so very precisely and seems almost real like a setting of the place, and the characters in it. Even dialogues can be created with this dream.
I've had a dream where I went to school and everything was going smoothly, it was so perfect. Nothing bad about that day. But I was disappointed when I woke up and it was all just a dream. And I had to go through that day again, only opposite of what i dreamed of. It was such a bad day.

But a dream that contains someone you love, especially if you can't see each other as often, you will always be able to remember it. Because it is what you really want to happen. Even if the possibility of it really happening is nearly nil. A dream this happy, can even make you smile on your own when you wake up from sleep. Even if you can't remember what it was. A smile will always carve on your cheek. A dream this happy, can even make you talk while sleeping. Because it seem so real and so happy that you can feel it happening in real life. Only then you will realize that it was all just a dream...

Nothing. But a dream...

El Pensamiento Sobre La Memoria

2009-02-18T20:06:00.003+07:00

Memory.
Isn't it a great feature that our brain are capable of doing? Being able to capture a certain time, view, image, sound or person with an astonishing precision, is just awesome. The though of memory memory being so precise amazes me. Although some memory can't be kept, or is not as precise, or the feeling that, something is missing from it.
Some tries to forget about their past. More commonly the embarrassing ones. Or even the scary ones. Or the sad ones... And some tries to cherish that thought of their memory, and live with it fresh in their minds. A special moment spent together with someone special or an unforgettable experience are the regulars. It's almost like it have to stay in our memory. What about you? What's your unforgettable memory? And which ones do you try to forget?
I have some that I want to remember for the rest of my life. And some that I want to live on without. But sometimes I think about other people's memories... Do they have any memory of me? Do they have any good memories of me? Or am I just a dark memory that haunts their minds every time they think of me? I wish I have an answer for all my questions...

The memory of my family, my cousins, my friends and of course Joo Hyun. The memory with her, the time I spent with her, all the things we talked about and all the things that she did - all her actions, I try to remember that.

But I don't want to have any memory of her not being there anymore. I don't want any memory of me being alone, without her, without my family, without anyone I know...
I wish everything would just stay as it is. I just wish some things never have to happen...

Una Actualización Aburrida

2009-02-09T18:57:00.003+07:00

A Boring Update;

Hey guys
How y'all been doing?
Hope you're all doing fine. I myself am fine i think.
As far as I'm concerned I'm all good. I'm just gonna give you a little update on what I've been up to...

So far I've just had a four-days-holiday from school. I needed that. We gonna have one more holiday soon. One week holiday. I can't wait for that. I needed to get out of the house for some time. Go out and see my friends.. See her. :D
I spent the whole four days staying in the house. Either go online, or play game on my psp. Each morning I would wake up at around 10 a.m. (Thailand time zone) and take a shower. Then I would turn my computer on, and go down to eat. After eating, I would go back up and go on the computer for HOURS. Which I know is bad for my eye.
I've got an occasional eye strain from doing that and the strain leads to a really bad headache. I believe that is because of the brightness of the monitor is too much to take in. And it's already at the minimum brightness... I guess I just need to wear a sunglasses if I wanna go on computer XP

I've just got a great game for my psp. A legendary classic. A true rpg game. I would say it is one of the best rpg game in the psx history. It is Breath of Fire 4. I missed that game. It's a good thing I can play psx game on my psp. That just kills the time and my boredom. <3 Not enough with having to focus on my IGCSE finals around May/June, me and Dex decided to make a forum. That's just a good idea. (said in full of sarcasm). I would have tonnes of work to do now. Enough with the school works, I also need to practice my bass guitar solo, finish up my song, learn science and spanish... And now I've gotten myself into a forum. GREAT! >_< But I don't think I should be making much of a fuss about that. I chose to do it too. My fault too. Heh but be sure to check our forum soon! It's mostly about games and internet and just some computer stuff. If you're a computer user, (which I know you all are,) then you should go there and look around. We provide informations such as useful softwares to get, download manager and lots of other things. But the bad news is, It's not done yet. We still need to make it tidy. P/s: We would love someone that is reliable and goes online frequently to become a moderator for our forum! Job: To give information on fashions/gossips or just anything about entertainment. Gender: We would prefer girls actually since they usually know these things. Me and Dex are both males. So we don't care much about those things. :D If interested, mail us at; shazzy_shaggy@live.com urbanblast@hotmail.com qwerty_kimochi@live.com.my That's all I think. Thanks for reading! I'll be writing something more of a story next time. Instead of just an update. I find that boring... Be sure to keep on posting the comments!

Mi Búsqueda De La Felicidad

2009-02-04T21:18:00.003+07:00

Ey guys.
Today,
4th of February 2009.
I felt happy. I was hyper today.
After P.E especially.
I was in the library with my class..
I was so hyper. I was happy somehow... Laughed a lot, played around...
I think I know now. I can't have much fun because I keep on thinking about what people think of me when I do something. From now I think I'll just do what I want. And I'll have some good time in this world.
I've decided now. I'll try to enjoy things. Every single day. Every single second. So guys, if you see me not enjoying it, please tell me to enjoy it. I need it. I don't want to think a lot about my life now. I'll enjoy it while I can. Especially with Juliyanna. I'll cherish every second we're together. And my friends, I might not be a good friend, but I know you guys are my good friends. Please help me get through this~!

-Shazmeel | Shazzy | Seung Min-

¿La Esencia De Tiempo?

2009-02-02T16:58:00.005+07:00

Is it just me or does everyone else feel the same? Because I feel the time is flowing really slowly when I am living it. Right that moment. But without noticing, it actually went so fast... Like last week, at the start of the last week i was just really unmotivated to go to school. Knowing the fact that I won't enjoy it much. Yes I know I have friends I can laugh with, but sometimes if you are in the same situation as I am, you would understand.

Thoughts like school is boring made me try to forget about it soon after it's finished. It's almost like just another page of my life. And every second passed, my life is becoming more and more... empty.
I tend to forget what I learned in school, what was the important dates such as homework due date etc because of these thoughts.

And without realizing it, I would just one day, one quiet day alone, suddenly think about the past. And believe me, I can't remember what happened yesterday really well. It was all a blurred image of my past...

La Comodidad De Mi Corazón

2009-01-29T21:44:00.008+07:00

CLICK PLAY BEFORE READING THIS!

Have you ever felt lonely, or sad or depressed... Or simply just one night something had happened, something that let you down. And that night just feel so peaceful and calm... And the time feels like it's passing very slowly... Each second is like 10 seconds. Each minute is like 10 minutes... Usually your nights would be lively with all the noises from outside, your little brother and etc. But this particular night. It feel so quiet.
This night, sometimes you enjoy it. And sometimes you hate it. Even when you're feeling bad, this is the time when you think about what happened. You have always needed this time. Only it doesn't come too often... That sound heard by the insects outside, and the cool breeze of air, that smell of freshness, and all the thoughts running through your mind... It all suits the atmosphere.

Tonight is the night. I felt down. I didn't shower at the usual time, and didn't eat dinner at the usual time too. After she went, I felt empty. Nothing really goes in my head. I was just alive, but not living. Almost like a living dead. So I had my shower. And later my stomach was growling. But going downstairs and getting the food is just too much of a job to do right now. But I did it anyhow.

The living room was filled with stillness. The TV was off. No one was there. It was very quiet. A pathetic fallacy I would say. Just before I eat, I've got a message from her. Telling me she's sorry and asking if I have eaten or not. I told her not to worry about it and I didn't eat yet. Then later asks why. She was concerned. By the time I received that message I've already eaten. And later we just talked...
The way she talked to me. It feels so comfortable. I felt like she was actually next to me. Holding me. I can almost feel her hands hugging me... She said her fever had gone after someone say things like that. I told her to say thanks to whoever that is. Thanks because making my girlfriend feel happy. Although I was the one saying it but because she said 'someone' I went and teased her. She later said "Thanks a lot. That is what my bf told me to say. I really appreciate to you for being there for me."
My heart just felt very comfortable. There has got to be nothing else better than this feeling. Thrilled, Excited, Happy all mixed up together.
But at the same time, my mind suddenly thought of the time. The end. Thoughts running through swiftly. 'What am I going to do after that?' , 'What will happen to my life?' , 'What would happen to her?' , 'Would we still feel the same? Or will we move on?'
All the negative thoughts fly by my head rapidly. One by one. Each with its own effect on how I would feel.

Is this going to be a good thing, or a bad one? All I can do is make her happy. And be happy myself. As long as we're together, as long as I have her, nothing can go wrong. That I am sure of...

Vida Finalización

2009-01-26T00:03:00.003+07:00

FRIEND = ?

A true friend is someone who;

Is there when you need them.
Listens to your problems.
Gives you advice on what is good to do.
Gives opinion of what they think if you did something wrong.
Knows how you're feeling by just looking in your eyes.
Knows what you hate.
Knows what you like.
Thinks of you when they're bored.
Hugs you when you feel depressed.
Always welcome you at any time.
Always ready for what you have to say.
Makes you laugh.
Makes you smile.
Makes you feel the world is a better place to live.

LOVER = ?

A true lover is someone who;

Says that they love you.
Always make you smile.
Always think of you.
Tries their hard to make you smile.
Tries their hard to make you feel better.
Hugs you when you feel sad.
Hugs you when they're happy.
Hugs you when they see you.
Hugs you when you're cold.
Is always glad to see you.
Even though they don't talk much, They are happy to be with you.
Smiles when they see you smile.
Cries when they see you cry.
Holds your hands when it's cold.
Holds your hand when they see you.
Takes care of you.
Gets worried when you're sick.
Tells you what is good for you.
Forbid you to do something that is bad for you.
Says that you look fine in any way.
Says "not being able to see your eyes is just like not seeing you"
Feels guilty when they think they have done something wrong to you.
Trusts you.
Thinks of you all the time.
Loves you all the time.
Loves you for who you are.

And I have both of them.
Good friends.
And a sincere lover.
I love you guys.
Thanks for being part of my life.
-Shazmeel Azeman-

Thank You:
Joo Hyun
TK
Deena
Edi
Dex
Hee Suk
C-Put
Darn
J-Shree
Brinda
Miera
Prachi
Ify
Zaf

Una Historia De Un Slugabed

2009-01-15T20:29:00.002+07:00

It was a gloomy Friday night. I was alone in my room that night, sitting on the chair while chatting with the loved one and at the same time enjoying the welcoming wind accompanied by the sound of crickets and the fan. It sounded like a nice piece of music. Often the fine music was overlapped by the loud modern trash music played by the neighbours.
As time passes by, me and her talked and had some good time. I tried to make her happy. And she makes me happy everytime we talk... And she always tells me to be happy. If I am sad, she would comfort me and try to make me smile again. Whenever I have some porblems she would be there to listen to me. She would support me if I'm falling, and she haven't have hated me... She likes me for who I am.
And I too love her. She's my source of strength. She's the shoulder that I would lean to when I feel weak. She's the person I would talk to first about my problems.
But soon, she might be leaving this country. And I realised that our time is limited. And I wanted to make good use of that time. And make sure she's happy. Make sure her time in Thailand had some good memories... I am not sure if I can continue on without her. If she leaves, then there's no shoulder that I can lean to... There's no one I can talk to when I'm depressed... There's no one I can feel happy with whenever we're near...
But she hates it most if I make it seem like there's 'only' 10 months left. She would say make it be 'still' 10 months. She doesn't want me to feel sad about it. She doesn't want that fact to affect my life. She is a nice and caring person...
Even though it is hard not able to meet her for weeks and only talk to her through the phone or computer, she wants us to have the time of our life when we're together no matter on the phone, or computer, or when we meet. Of course I want to fulfill that wish for her. I want her to think that I am ever so happy and I left all my sadness behind when I'm near her. I want her to feel that I'm happy. So then she would be happy.
But I realise, that I can't do that for much longer. I keep thinking about the time. The end is nearing. Day by day it comes closer. And day by day our time is shortened...
I don't know how my life is going to be like when she's not there...
I will miss her...

Joo Hyun, Saranghae...